Glass Houses
Fred Davis is a sage, not a saint.
If you’re looking for a saint, keep on looking.
If you’re looking for freedom, you’re probably in the right place.
There is no object for veneration here, only a communications tool.
The messenger here is human, and therefore deeply flawed.
This amazing message of Liberation flows through him anyway.
And that pointer right there is actually a key part of this Teaching.
November 14, 2014
I’m sitting down now to write the least pleasant thing I’ve ever written. It is what it is.
After having had a number of nasty emails and attempted comments on the website and YouTube, I see the cat’s come out of the bag, just as Betsy and I long ago knew that it would. It “couldn’t not” at some point, if you’ll forgive the double negative. She and I looked at each other tonight and I said, “You know, in one sense it’s a relief.” She nodded in agreement. “And we don’t know that this isn’t the best thing that ever happened to us.” She agreed again.
I’ve always been honest with my readers, viewers, and clients. I’ve openly and repetitively shared my history as a mental patient, as a homeless drunk, as a raging alcoholic, as a creep, as a manic-depressive, and as someone who went through a difficult arrest and conviction in 2004 both in my books and on this website. When I became a teacher I didn’t elaborate on all my sins, but I certainly pointed to them. I think it is quite a stretch to say that I’m guilty of hiding anything
I long ago learned not to lead with my chin, so I kept the details of my legal case to a minimum, although anyone at any time could discover that weak chin with a simple Google search. Tonight someone on Facebook has done just that and found it prudent to publish their results. I’ve already had several ugly and a number of threatening emails from the spirited intellectual giants who follow those boards. It’s been rather savage.
I wish them all good luck in their spiritual journey. They’re going to need it. Unconscious behavior carries its own penalties, as we will all see as this post unfolds. So here we go.
~
In the 1960’s, when I was a teenager, I was a bad boy. Anyone who has read any of my books or my blog, or watched my videos with even a half-open eye already knows that. I did some things back then which you and I and all the world can see were deeply deplorable. Here it is: I looked at some of my nieces’ private parts. I touched them, too. More than once. In the name of accuracy, let me say that in that distant time I had absolutely no clue that my behavior might scar anyone. Molestation simply wasn’t part of the Zeitgeist.
I did what I did when I did it, because Years later, as I came to understand what I had really done and began to learn about the despair and torment this sort of incredibly selfish, unconscious behavior can cause for the victims, I was horrified. Those actions haunted me for decades. One of the reasons it took me so long to get sober was that years before my surrender I’d had a look at AA’s famous Twelve Steps. Once I saw the steps about confession and making amends, I backed away. Anything but that.
I finally got sober when I was 47. As part of that process I contacted my estranged family, and working through one of my estranged sisters, I wrote letters admitting my guilt and offering my deepest apologies to those girls, now grown women with children of their own. I offered to talk to anyone who wanted to talk.
I didn’t hear anything back for four years.
However, four years after I made that initial amend, when I was 51, one of the nieces contacted me. We talked on the phone. I could have avoided her, refused to talk, and I was advised by my AA sponsor to do just that. But my sense of things was that I’d done what I’d done, and I’d hurt who I’d hurt, and if all I could do now was offer some sense of closure for them, then I was going to do so. I talked to a couple of them.
It turned out that the conversations were being recorded, and since South Carolina stands alone as the only state with no statute of limitations for sexual sinners, I was arrested in early April of 2004. Betsy was my girlfriend then, and to my amazement she stuck with me through the whole thing. She even financed my defense on credit cards, because I was still barely getting up on my unsteady feet. Luckily, very luckily, we had a great attorney. He was the owner of a mountain house named “Namaste,” something of a kindred spirit, and he took my case for not a lot of money as such things go.
I openly shared my plight with a lot of my friends, sponsees, sponsor, all of those folks, and the Twelve Step community stepped up to the plate and with moral support and financial donations. For quite some time I would find envelopes containing money slipped under my door, or into my mailbox, or out in the shed where I stored my daily driver—a motorcycle.
Those people, Betsy, and Eckhart Tolle’s books and recordings kept me from losing my mind during the two years as I waited for my hearing. I was pleading guilty, of course, so there would be no actual trial. In all practicality, I had already been publicly pleading guilty for six years. Now I had to do so in court.
When my hearing came up, there were several benches packed with AA people, and my attorney presented a thickish file of letters of support and requests for leniency. I had already been working with drunks and addicts for years, and speaking in a treatment center every week by the time I got arrested, and I’d not seen a reason to quit that. In fact, the idea that I was now doing “all I could do” was the way I managed to keep my head held up. My newer karma was working to minimize my old karma’s impact.
My family, of course, was on the other side of the court.
Most of the rest of the story is in my books and posts, but I’ll provide a brief addition here. Once the very aggressive prosecutor found out that I had previously offered to make amends for what I’d done as part of my Twelve Step work, he stopped going for my throat. I had gone to them first. This was all a result of that. There had to be more to this case than met the eye.
When the judge looked at when the charges took place and at the evidence of my more recent life, and the circumstances leading to this hearing, he, too, could see that this was not an ordinary case. He was a fair man and took everything into account when he levied my sentence. I did not have to go to prison. Pretty much no one walks out of court without handcuffs after facing charges like I’d had.
I did get ninety days in jail, which the judge allowed me to serve on weekends so that my present life would not fall apart while I was being punished for the old one. It allowed me to remain useful.
I also got five years of incredibly rigid probation. I wore an ankle bracelet for those five years and could not leave my house after 7 pm without direct permission. I couldn’t go to a movie theater, mall, or park without direct permission. I could not go out of state without a signed slip. I could have no access to computers, although PCs were neither invented nor dreamed of when my crimes were committed. And more and more and more.
There is one brush used for all sex offenders. It’s broad and fat and used to paint every one of us the same color.
On the day the agent explained the strict terms of my probation I asked, “Do you have anyone who makes it?”
She paused for several moments, then said in a low voice, “A few.”
I was always amazed to see men with guns and body armor coming to visit me. Time after time they caught me red-handed behaving as I always did. But I’ll tell you something, they were professionals, every single one of them. They did their job, but they were respectful. Everybody knew that something weird was happening, and the probation agents knew it better than almost anyone else.
Of course I also got placed on the sex offender registry. It’s not really a “registration” so much as it is a permanent public branding, the Scarlet Letter in the 21st century. As the judge told the court, “That registry is a sentence in itself.” Trust me, that’s an understatement.
I was immediately and permanently shunned by virtually an entire planet – even by the great majority of people who think of themselves as deeply spiritual folk. It is the unforgivable sin. You dear English and Europeans who’ve asked me to cross the pond so you can meet me can now see why I haven’t visited you. I can’t. Your countries won’t let me in their borders.
Regardless, I still had to live a life and dance out the dance of this fredness. I refused to just hide my head in shame and go away. The same month I got off of probation I started the original Awakening Clarity. I knew my past was bound to come out at some time; it was all on public record. As the site’s popularity grew, and my name became a common search term, the odds of that inevitable unmasking steadily went up.
And then came The Book of Undoing, and once again my whole world changed overnight.
Before I published Undoing, however, before I even wrote my first book, Beyond Recovery: Nonduality and the Twelve Steps, I decided that I should write a biography detailing my life experience. I felt like it might be an opportunity to once again use my sordid past to help others in recovery who were struggling with their own closet of skeletons. Betsy and I talked about it, and eventually we decided that it was foolish to come out publicly with these facts at that time. At the time we discussed it, I was still on probation, and clearly we did not want any publicity.
Being on The List is not just shaming, and damning, it can be dangerous for those on it—and those who love them. A guy here was killed a year or two ago purely due to his being on that registry. His killers had never even met him. Had there been a wife present at that scene, I don’t imagine she would have gone unharmed either. This is all very scary stuff.
So I wrote Beyond Recovery: Nonduality and the Twelve Steps instead of an autobiography. I was frank about my past, but it wasn’t required that I offer the grittier details. I candidly told my publisher that I was on The List, just as I have told anyone that I might be linked with through the business aspect of this teaching.
I told Betsy earlier tonight, “God has never been willing to accept anything less than my full surrender.” I can look at my life and see that the worst thing often ends up being the best thing, and I have no sense that things should be other than the way they are. I am shell-shocked as I write this, but I am simultaneously at peace. It’s all much ado about fred. I cannot distance myself from that karmic stream, but neither am I going to promote it.
My worst stuff is “out there” along with my best. If this kills my practice as a spiritual teacher, it will simply mean that God has finished using this tool and is hanging it back up in the shed. I’m okay with that. No matter what comes now, it’s been an incredible ride, and an honor beyond words to serve you. I offer you my love and heartfelt gratitude, as does Betsy. I’m happy – for the next couple of days – to discuss this further with active, paying clients, and Living Method volunteers, but not with anyone else. I will not be responding to emails or acknowledging attempted YouTube or blog comments that come this way. Give it a rest already.
If any current client wants to cancel a session that’s already been booked, please drop me an email and I’ll be glad to process an immediate refund. Those of you who are already booked, and don’t feel that this fundamentally alters my usefulness to you, may expect your sessions to run as scheduled, and as usual. This website will continue to function as normal, but having put up five posts in two days, I expect to take a couple of weeks off from it.
I have some book ideas floating around, and I might take a look at those. In short, I am going back to work. It’s what I do. This Teaching is what I do. I’m a one-trick pony.
Many in this community already know this history. I long ago shared this information with anyone I did business with so that they wouldn’t be blindsided when it came out. Some of my volunteers knew about it. I’ve shared it with a few clients who could directly benefit from hearing it.
Other clients found out by accidentally Googling this up, and they remain clients. My friends and in-laws all know and love me anyway. I don’t think it’s a big factor for them. This will not change my relationship with Betsy, Dickens, or Willy one iota. It is chiefly people who had never heard of me, or those who have heard of me, but who didn’t like me to begin with who have seized this opportunity to vent their general frustration, anger, and fear upon a stranger who’s already down. It is so easy to tear something down, and so difficult to build something up.
Ten years of baring your soul is wearing. Happily, I don’t think I’ll have to be doing much of it anymore, and that’s a nice feeling. Lots of people already knew about my dark past, and now, thanks to the concerned citizens of Facebook, so do you. Do what you have to do. I’m already free.
Thank you for the opportunity to serve you. Carry on.
Love,
Fred
Three Years Later
This Teaching is much, much larger than it was in November 2014 when I wrote it this article.
I have noticed that the easiest way to figure out what “should” be going on is to take a look at what is going on.
There is neither comparison, nor alternative to Reality.
There is only This.
As It Is.
November 14, 2014 @ 7:35 am
YAY, Fred!!
You really took a beating yesterday on Facebook, but now, this I’m sure, will go a LONG way towards
helping to clear up, at least a little, that ugly, semi-hysterical mess.
Anyway, really happy and grateful you posted this totally clear-eyed response and have now, effectively put
this whole thing in perspective and above all, in the PAST, where hopefully it will soon REMAIN.
All love and joy,
Gary
November 14, 2014 @ 9:20 am
Thank you, Gary. I’m so grateful for your friendship and support. All is well.
Love,
Fred
NOTE TO READERS: I’m only posting supportive comments in regard to the Glass Houses post. I’m spamming the rest. My detractors have plenty of forums on which they can speak their minds. It seems only fair that Betsy and I should have one of our own.”
HAPPINESS
“Let us live happily then, not hating those who hate us!
Among men who hate us let us dwell free from hatred!”
Buddha, Dhammapada, 15:197
FORGIVENESS
“Father,forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Jesus Christ, New Testament, Luke 23:24
.
.
November 14, 2014 @ 8:26 pm
I am a friend of Gary’s and he shared a link to your article with me. I wanted to share with you what I shared with him, which is a means to process the critical comments. Maybe you will find it helpful. I recently heard a teaching on the topic of the four boundless states. In particular, equanimity comes to mind; it was presented to me as the foundation upon which the other states exist. Of course people were hurt by your actions, but it doesn’t mean you must suffer for eternity because of it. Best wishes to you. (This link describes the four boundless states and mirrors the presentation I was fortunate to attend recently.)
http://www.gratefulness.org/readings/jh_boundless.htm
November 14, 2014 @ 8:53 pm
Thank you, Jen! I know a lot of us will benefit from this. As I say,
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 15, 2014 @ 9:26 am
You are welcome, Fred. I doubt the information is new to you, but it has been immensely helpful to me in coping with the pain and grief of life.
November 15, 2014 @ 10:22 am
I am always happy to hear wisdom from any source who has it. Sometimes it’s news, sometimes it’s a reminder. Both are critical to being awake to the present arising.
November 14, 2014 @ 10:46 am
Fred, I am a big fan of your books and frequent the forum as well. What you have done today is one more lesson for us all on love, humbleness and forgiveness. I am sorry that you had write this, yet I see it was necessary. I admire your strength and remain your grateful fan and reader, with no less respect and love for you today than yesterday. Namaste my friend.
Karen
November 14, 2014 @ 10:48 am
Thank you so much, Karen. This is so helpful.
In peace,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 11:06 am
Fred, I had a Skype session with you about a year ago. I’m a fan of your books, website and videos and I will continue to be. I am planning to do a follow up session with you in the near future. Thank you for your honesty. My very best wishes to you.
Tom
November 14, 2014 @ 12:08 pm
Thank you very much, Tom. Your support is so important to both Betsy and myself.
In peace,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 11:31 am
thank you for writing Fred. odd as this may sound, I’m happy this opportunity presented itself, both for you, your entire family, and for the often-unhappy-and-full-of-nonsense community that claims an interest or understanding of nonduality. The glee in the witch hunt has been quite something to watch. I’m glad to hear that you and family are doing ok, that alone says much about how much you have learned on this path, and I’m sending my best to you all.
November 14, 2014 @ 12:11 pm
Thank you, thank you, Judy. Yeah, it’s been pretty amazing to see. Just so you and others can know, I’m getting support from our community as well as the slings and arrows. I just got off the phone with a client of mine who is a retired psychologist–and who was a specialist in these matters prior to her retirement. She was extremely helpful. Thanks again.
In peace,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 1:12 pm
Fred, So happy you have responded in such an open manner. You have made an honest accounting. Those that have ever had personal contact with you are aware of your openness and where your heart is. This is indeed an amazing thing to witness. Soar my friend, soar.
Larry
November 14, 2014 @ 4:16 pm
Hey, Larry! Thanks so much for this. Our lunches were special, we’ll have to do it again.
In peace,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 2:25 pm
Fred, I thought I had posted a comment but I don’t see it here. I am overwhelmed by your honesty and courage. It was actually healing to see your response to what has happened. I am very grateful for you.
November 14, 2014 @ 4:15 pm
Hey, Jane! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m so grateful for your support.
In peace,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 2:33 pm
This whole story shows once again what immense power is hidden in the principles of AA which I, like you, need to practice in my life in all circumstances, no matter what.
Your healing is everybody’s healing, Fred.
You’re doing the right thing.
A big hug and full support from a fellow AAer.
November 14, 2014 @ 4:14 pm
Thank you, Sebastiano. This is all part of a Larger Thing.
In peace,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 2:46 pm
Fred,
I so admire your courage and honesty. I’m sorry you are having to go through this ordeal. We all have pasts, and those who judge you may not be looking at themselves too carefully. To me this is not news, other than the details, based on what you’ve already shared in your books, writings, and videos. You are who you are here and now, and that is what matters. All this only increases my admiration and respect for you. You are a great example of willingness to face “what is.” Nevertheless, I am sorry for the pain this has caused you and Becky and others, and I keep you in my thoughts for comfort and healing.
All love,
Kathleen
November 14, 2014 @ 4:13 pm
Thank you so very much, Kathleen. Having your confidence, and Chris’, is really quite a balm.
Love,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 7:06 pm
Hi Fred
You are a breath of fresh air Fred. Im sure you will weather this storm, just wanted to lend my support and let you know I really appreciate your words. Thanks
Chris Barrett
November 14, 2014 @ 7:11 pm
Thank you, Chris! I am humbled by the support our community is offering.
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 7:39 pm
Dearest Fred,
I’m sure that was neither easy nor particularly comfortable but I admire your (unit’s) integrity and honesty. I’m someone who recently had to make some very difficult amends and have more to go. I haven’t yet had them bite me in the ass, as it were, but you’ve set an example of how to handle our less-than-perfect pasts with grace. No matter in what “when” they arise. Thank you for that. I’ve decided to schedule a session with you as I’ve admired your work for awhile and if this unit can wake up, I trust your guidance completely to get me there. More from me soon and warm wishes to you, Betsy, and your furry ones tonight. With gratitude, Patti
November 14, 2014 @ 7:48 pm
Thank you, Patti! I look forward to meeting you. Betsy is here reading your comment!
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 14, 2014 @ 11:34 pm
Hi Fred,
“Ditto” to all the dearness that has been spoken here in support of you and Betsy.
My love, my heart-felt gratitude and my deepest knowing that all is well, ride high upon this chariot of fire that burns away what’s left of all this.
You are LIVING what you teach, walking the walk and embracing all things equally … a mighty torch being passed on to all of us! Thank you.
We walk with you side-by-side … until the stretch limo arrives!!! Then we all ride side-by-side.
i love you with all my heart,
georgette
November 15, 2014 @ 12:05 am
Oh, Georgette. I love you with all my heart. Thank you so much for this. I’ll forward it to Betsy so that she sees it in the morning.
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 15, 2014 @ 12:31 am
Seems to me that you have just untied the last rope and set yourself completely free. None of us is more than a thought away from an act that could radically change our lives.
I used to work for the juvenile court and have always felt that the registry has been used inappropriately and has harmed more than it has helped. It is utterly indiscriminate. Whenever “justice” leaves no discretion to those judging, it no longer serves its’ purpose.
I think you will be fine. I think the people who matter will continue support you. The truth is always the best thing, even when it requires walking through fire.
Your loving presence shines. The past is just a story. Thank you for sharing your story and for sharing your light .
November 15, 2014 @ 12:35 am
Thank you so much, Kerry. I really appreciate your comments and your beautiful sentiment.
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 15, 2014 @ 5:48 pm
That was then. This is now. That’s what unconscious awakeness is capable of. Serving the unit/self in an illusion of seperateness. So who’s not guilty of that? We’re all AS’es. Anonymous Selfaholics, until we’re not, as someone once said. You are life’s bow that has been drawn to breaking point, so this message can reach as far and deep as possible. That’s how it cuts through the BS. No way I’m letting this out of my sight 🙂
Betsy you’re a great woman/human being. Thanks for your support. Kerry. Well said.
Talk to you soon Fred. You have my respect.
November 15, 2014 @ 7:14 pm
Robbin, this is a wonderful comment, very wise and open. Thank you so much for your support and friendship. Give my best to Sussie!
All love,
Fred
November 15, 2014 @ 6:59 pm
Dear Fred,
I think you have in your honesty demonstrated some very powerful non-dual truths and I am impressed by the grace and humility with which you have so.
I think there are many messages to learn from your story, not the least of which is, is the person we took ourselves to be in the so called past the person we are today?
If any one of us really takes this non dual stuff seriously I think we better look and see how it actually plays out in our everyday actions.
You sir, imho, have shown yourself to be someone who can not only talk the talk but can walk the walk–and this was no cake walk, I might add.
Blessings to you dear Fred, thank you for your honesty and humility in sharing your powerful story. This is a deep teaching with many lessons for all of us.
November 15, 2014 @ 7:12 pm
Blessing to you Patrick! There’s a lot of wisdom in what you say.
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 16, 2014 @ 9:39 am
Fred. Thank you for so honestly sharing the stories of your life, and all the pain you and others have been through. I fully agree with Robbin, and send you and Betsy my love. See you.
November 16, 2014 @ 10:42 am
Thank you so much, Sussie. I greatly appreciate your thoughts and support. I’ll share them with Betsy this evening.
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 16, 2014 @ 10:50 am
Thank you Fred…and thank you Patrick for re-posting. Honesty is the basis for all in this Here. Your depth, courage and integrity shine and this heart rejoices. There are ‘white elephants’ in many a room that many will simply not acknowledge. And some (sometimes solely) carry the weight of that on their shoulders because of that. In your honesty you have just lifted a significant weight…perhaps for many…but most especially for you. Perhaps others will be so inspired.
Gratefully,
Leslie
November 16, 2014 @ 10:59 am
Thank you so much, Leslie. Your letter is more important to me that you can know.
In peace anyway,
Fred
November 17, 2014 @ 10:38 pm
Blessings Fred…Your post generated a release…a flood… of many tears….which have, to this day, been unable to be shed. Thanking you. -Leslie
November 17, 2014 @ 10:40 pm
Thank you, Leslie. I’ve very pleased that some of this awfulness can be turned to goodness.
Gratefully,
Fred
November 16, 2014 @ 1:49 pm
Hey, Leslie! It’s been a long weekend, and I do so appreciate your support.
Gratefully,
Fred
November 16, 2014 @ 11:46 am
Hi Fred,
I did things as a crazy, mixed-up teenager that I still cringe over daily. I send feelings of apology to the people I hurt, and if I could contact them more concretely, I would. I can’t blame you for not addressing this stuff publicly from the outset, although in retrospect, and knowing it was bound to come out, you may be feeling you should have.
I’m getting feedback from folks more judgmental than most of those who posted above, and I’m referring them to this page. A few of those don’t hold decades-old transgressions against you, but do feel you charge too much. But I guess that’s between you and those able or unable (willing or unwilling) to pay.
“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” – JC
Love,
Rick
November 16, 2014 @ 1:27 pm
Thank you, Rick. I so appreciate your comment, and your willingness to comment. I am getting my share of quite hateful email, curses and threats, trust me on that. It is what it is, and these units do what they do until they don’t.
As I saw it, and still it, accepting responsibility, offering apologies, and making oneself available to provide either clarity or closure to the victims, is all one can do in the aftermath of any crime. You can’t un-ring a bell, and in a case like this there is no such thing as restitution. My life is an ongoing amend to those girls.
And by way of punishment, trust me on this, it is harsher than anyone who is not on that registry could imagine. I am still paying for those actions decades later, in a large and public way, and it ever won’t stop unless it does. My wife is also paying a fierce price for loving whom she loves, and she is entirely innocent. It’s amazing to me that no one seems to care how this affects her. I care.
At some point, it seems, we have to let the past go, or we cannot move on. Like it or not, life must be lived. I can’t just step off that train here, and I will abandon my practice when I am abandoned, and not before.
I never made a decision to become a spiritual teacher. It happened. People often confuse sages with saints. Very few sages are actually saints, and not all saints are sages. Oneness chooses the vessel that it uses to shine through. The vessel then shines. It’s not doing the shining, the shining is happening through it.
This unit was chosen. It did not “deserve” it, it did not earn it. I realize that it’s not a good enough vessel for much of the public, but I also notice that it was, and still is, good enough for Oneness. It’s not my job to point out Oneness’ apparent mistakes, and I don’t see it being my business to point out the flaws in the vessel, but to point to the light instead. That’s what I do.
Since this public disaster began, this unit has been used to wake up two more people, and to bring greater clarity to two others. However dim the vessel, the light still shines brightly. I will know when what I do is no longer needed; they will cease of their own accord, and that will be that. As it stands, I’ve gotten three fresh bookings in the very midst of this mess, and I’ve had a net gain in both site and YouTube subscribers. Not everyone thinks Awakeness is in error, and clearly my work is not yet done.
I charge what I charge. What I charge, as you say, is between me and my paying clients. There’s no need for me to defend it, but I find that I want to explain it. Several months back I had a female client who bought a package tell me, “I’m 73 years old, and this is the best money I’ve ever spent.” That’s not uncommon, but I loved the way this woman said it, taking care in her statement to make sure that I fully took in the impact of her statement. It was a very moving moment.
I told you in our interview that this work is exhausting. It is. I know people some think that it “shouldn’t be,” but it is anyway. There is only What Is, there is no “should” or “shouldn’t.” I cannot talk to everyone, I can’t even talk to great numbers any longer. After discussing it with Betsy, at the first of August I cut back my schedule, because in July a prominent member of our community, a physician, flew to Columbia to spend a few days with me. She couldn’t believe what was going on here.
At one point I had her–a client–in my living room. I had woken her up the day before, and we were in clarity session all that next day. I took “breaks” from that in order to do drink a Red Bull and take Skype calls from other clients. Meanwhile, my inbox was causing my phone to ring throughout the day. I would answer them that night, after the doctor had gone to her hotel room, and I had some “free time.” Having witnessed the chaos, she told me, in no uncertain terms. “You can’t go on like this. You’ll burn out, you’ll kill yourself, you have to cut back, you have to rest more.” I had been on full throttle for three years.
There is no end of people who want to wake up. I simply can’t talk to everyone who wants to talk to me. I was poor as a rat for years, and I understand that this is not agreeable for those who can’t afford it. I get it. That’s why so much of what I do is free. Regardless, all of my time is directed toward this teaching, and I still have to make a living. I charge less than my accountant charges me–that seems like a fair benchmark. If I get to the point where I can talk to fewer people, or the bar is not high enough to limit inquiries, then everyone may expect that rate to go up, and I will not apologize for my rates then, just as I do not apologize for them now.
Oh, one more thing. A client of mine sent me something saying that because I had mentioned my teacher’s names in this post that I was somehow implying that they “thought it was okay.” Bullshit. They were my teachers. I didn’t hide anything from them; that’s all I was saying. None of them approved of or diminished the gravitas of my behavior–or my situation as a spiritual adherent who was beginning to become well known as a teacher. They did what authentic spiritual teachers do: they met What Is as What Is, in the full recognition that What Is lies beyond their opinions of What Is. You work with what you have, and that’s precisely what they did.
I am just like my detractors in one way. I, too, can see that this unit is deeply flawed. That’s hardly news to anyone who knows me. I would prefer a neater story to work with, but I don’t have that. I have This. I have no sense whatsoever that I “should” have announced all of my sins before offering to help people walk through the Gateless Gate. There is no “what isn’t.” Had I been foolish enough to try to placate my detractors before they became my detractors, then in all likelihood there would be no practice here for us to talk about, no practice for my detractors to gossip about.
Nor do I think this public whipping should not have happened. It is the present arising, and it’s not a mistake. And like every other arising, this present arising has come and will go. The only thing that doesn’t come and go is the truth my teaching points toward. That truth is unshakeable.
My next post is going to be about working with karma–about the strange phenomena of “inheriting your own life in post-awakening.” I would have preferred to have inherited my brother’s good and gentle life, but I notice it was already taken. I got what I got, and I’m not either proud, or ashamed of who or what I am. It’s all beyond my opinions. If I was good enough for God, then that’s good enough for me. I invite all of you to join me for that discussion.
Thank you again for taking this brave public stance.
In love, respect and gratitude,
Fred
November 16, 2014 @ 2:31 pm
Dear Fred, I am moved by your writings and have deep appreciation for your willingness to be so directly open and honest. I struggled greatly as a child and as a teenager, and found myself rebelling and acting in ways which caused me to feel a lot of shame over the course of my life. None of it as bad as you might think but for me it nailed the belief of my inadequacy fiercely in my heart. Especially too as I still live in the hometown I was raised, I would keep the past alive by my own painful thinking. I do feel gratitude for these experiences, while not entirely free from them, I feel they have deepened my ability to be forgiving and loving to others. If not caught in my own projection (which I humbly admit I still get caught) I really try to see what it is to walk in that other person’s shoes. I don’t know what it is to have lived what they lived.
It takes a lot of courage to be so honest and transparent, like you are doing here, and that feels so good to me! Who among us have not been raised and surrounded by unconscious and wounded people? How else can we form ourselves if we know no other way? My hearts desire is to stop the cycle of judgment and separation caused by these beliefs. I truly feel your courageous writings of “ownership” extremely important, helpful and healing. I am grateful. Perhaps if the folks who are in prisons could absolve themselves and then forgive themselves, maybe they could start anew and use their life as material to help others. Just as you are Fred. And one more thing, our past is not who we are now, unless we make it so….I am glad for you.
November 16, 2014 @ 2:41 pm
Thank you so much, Rita. This sure sounds to me like Conscious Awakeness speaking here.
I tried to resist What Is for most of my life. I tried it with drugs, sex, gambling, drinking, thinking–you name it. Alas, I found that I could not win at that, nor could I change the past. My sense has always been that a willingness to change the impact of my past, to recycle my garbage into compost to grow better lives than the one I lived, then that is what I can offer to to the future in the only time there actually is–today.
Gratefully,
Fred
November 16, 2014 @ 5:12 pm
Dear Fred,
Most of what I have to say has already been said by others. I would just add that for me personally, your example of courageously facing up fully to the consequences of your past actions and making what amends you can is a lesson that will stick with me for along time, and is one that I suspect will be very beneficial for a lot of us. It seems like a sort of correlate to the principle of “Telling the truth to ourselves” that animates your approach to the Awakening and Clarity sessions.
Perfect spiritual teachers, if such exist anywhere, are no doubt of great help to their perfect students. Speaking as a flawed student, such a clear example of extricating oneself from one’s prior negativity while taking full responsibility for it is a teaching that I can practically apply to my own relative life and confused karmic patterns.
Thank you for your teaching, both intended and unintended!
Best wishes to you and Betsy! Please take care of yourselves during this stressful time!
Regards,
Bob
November 16, 2014 @ 5:33 pm
Hi, Bob! It’s great to hear from you! Just before this comment, Betsy and I were talking about how, somehow, at the end of the day, this will all be made fruitful. As she said, “This apparent tragedy is the only reason you woke up.” And she’s right.
What I have noticed is that often in life the worst thing in your life can become transmuted into the best thing. Prior to this case, the worst thing in my life had been my alcoholism. Yet had it not been for that, I would not have ever been forced to tell myself the truth about many things. I am who I am today because of that. Thousands of lives have been positively affected because I once was a insane drunk, a creep, and a homeless wretch living in a city park. The difference between a curse and a blessing is often timing.
I can’t yet see how this uproar will be a blessing to this unit, and it may never be. Guess what? It’s not about this unit. It’s about the Whole. And if this wasn’t good in the long run for the Whole, it simply wouldn’t be.
Gratefully,
Fred
November 17, 2014 @ 11:44 am
It is ridiculous for someone to bring up something that happened so many years ago when you obviously are leading an upright life for many years. I am so sorry. You helped me a lot a while back and are helping many others in the present. These accusers have the problem, not you.
November 17, 2014 @ 11:52 am
Hello, Elaine! Thanks so much for writing, and for your support. In some eyes, a caterpillar can never become a butterfly. Fortunately, not everyone agrees with that point of view. 🙂
In gratitude,
Fred
November 17, 2014 @ 12:50 pm
Hello Fred,
I am one of those that went into a mini shock from the nonduality community. I am glad I read this post, as it brings alive the human factor and gives insight into a process of self-realization in which we are all entangled and interdependent.
I want to share with you a healing movement from this corner of nonduality.
“The opposite of guilt is condemnation. Innocence has no opposite.”
This has been so important to me in healing and finding freedom within abuse. Nothing can add to or take away from our inherent innocence. The living energy of inherent innocence is the healing factor to liberate the spin between guilt and condemnation. Stand for that. Realize it.
We are all guilty, and out of that guilt we condemn the “other”. Abuse exists. Suffering exists among us. This is where much of the nonduality movement stalls on its arousal into life and manifestation through what must be apprehended as inter being or inter dependency. Awakening does not remove the process of healing and we are all together in that.
I wish you mercy in your process together with your wife and hope it will be of service to the whole.
November 17, 2014 @ 12:56 pm
Beautiful, Georgi. Thank you SO much!
Gratefully,
Fred
November 17, 2014 @ 4:31 pm
Dear Fred,
A unique perspective to lend. As a young girl, I was on the receiving end of the behavior you describe by two adult males in my family. They, and the entire family, denies that it ever happened. As a result, I am a woman near your age, left with an as yet unhealed wound in my soul. Surprisingly, I felt nothing but compassion for you as your “story” unfolded over the past few days. If the men in my family had been willing to take responsibility for the damage they caused and been even only able to say, “I am sorry,” both I and my extended and estranged family might have had a shot at the love and compassion I feel towards you, a relative stranger.The upside to your “train wreck” is that everyone has been set free from the prison of shame. There is no more secret. The wounds can heal in the light of fresh air. I hope that all involved find peace. Best regards, Jacklyn Flynn
November 17, 2014 @ 5:18 pm
Thank you, Jacklyn. I so appreciate this note, and this perspective. Many will.
Gratefully,
Fred
November 17, 2014 @ 8:13 pm
This could happen to anyone who truly is not a Saint, and even those whom have been labeled as Saints. I fully resonate with having a past loaded with many indiscretions which caused damage to others, but mostly to myself. Thank GOD for forgiveness, as this, for me, despite for immense Grace, is the only thing which can genuinely cleanse me of the guilt and shame associated with some of that past behavior. And I’m not sure if those memories entirely ever go away? I find that trusting in the Multiverse helps, or as a good friend of mine used to often say, ‘It’s the Self, calling the Self, back to the Self.’ Best of everything to you always, Brother Fred. Namaste.
November 17, 2014 @ 8:27 pm
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment. I just shared it with Betsy. It warmed our hearts and lifted our spirits.
Gratefully,
Fred
November 17, 2014 @ 9:36 pm
Dear Fred,
I deeply appreciate your honesty regarding your ‘past’. I hold no judgments against you and still consider you a great teacher—The only one out of all the great teachers I’ve had contact with who has really helped me see my true nature. I feel the money I spent with you was well worth it in my opinion. Every penny of it. I certainly hope that people will not judge your past and that you will be able to continue helping people to see their true nature for a long time to come.
Namaste, Alfred
November 17, 2014 @ 9:45 pm
You are an angel, Alfred. I never saw a more determined seeker, and it’s been my delight to help you wake up. Thank you so much for this. Betsy and I both send you love and blessings.
Gratefully,
Fred
November 21, 2014 @ 5:19 pm
Hello Fred. My best wishes to you as always. You were the second person I talked to (at least in this life…-:) about nonduality. As you may recall, I did an awakening session with you and three clarity sessions this past summer.
I don’t recall when I first knew about this part of your past, but I did know about it during the time I worked with you. Although I did not know the details, my intuition told me that it was something from the distant past, and that you are beautiful and honorable human being.
I’m very glad that I trusted my intuition.
Blessings and love,
Jim
November 21, 2014 @ 7:05 pm
Thank you, Jim! I’m so grateful for your support and understanding.
A number of my clients knew about my history, they just didn’t choose to post it on Facebook. This wasn’t something I was hiding–it’s not something one can hide. I said as much as I could say in my books, posts, and videos without endangering anyone.
I mean look at what’s happening right now: I’ve got people threatening my family’s life and livelihood, and some people think I should have stood up and announced this? Please.
All love,
Fred
November 23, 2014 @ 5:44 am
Love your work Fred You have pointed me in the right direction so many times Thank you Keep on keeping on Share the light
In love
Adrian
November 23, 2014 @ 9:42 am
Thank you, Adrian!
All love,
Fred
November 23, 2014 @ 4:47 pm
Good Grief!
I’ve been busy with work, and don’t belong to Facebook, so this all is coming to me as a complete surprise today.
I want to say what a to-do over nothing, but I know it wasn’t over nothing.
BUT it is over the DEAD PAST.
Fredness, you are NOW a shining example who has HELPED a ton of folks…myself included….see reality as it really is…please continue…the world and humanity needs you.
I know I did things years ago, that I now blush to think about.
Those of you that are have been perfect, congrats!
If you are so perfect, where is your compassion and understanding for a 17 year old boy who made mistakes and then made amends?
The more I write, the more ticked off I get about your unfair treatment, Fred, so I will just end by saying,
I love you alot & please continue your wonderful work.
Blessings to you and Betsy, Barb
November 23, 2014 @ 4:55 pm
Thank you so much, Barb. This means a great deal, particularly coming from someone I love so much. Thank you for everything. Betsy just read your comment, and it pleased her to no end. It’s been a hard day for her, so I thank you for this ray of sunshine.
Love from both of us,
Fred & Betsy
November 27, 2014 @ 11:49 am
Wow! I am amazed. This has thrown me and I realize that it somehow anchors your teaching even deeper. I don’t know who those people are who can’t look back and see terrible things they have done in ignorance. My life is full of these missteps, some of them truly rock-bottom, so that I would find it very hard to put another human being in a different and lower class than myself no matter what they have done. Ignorance is ignorance and it seems to follow most of us. I wish I could only ascribe it to my teen years but it has followed me throughout my life and I am not sure that too many others are free of this either. Thank you for teaching, and posting. You remind me of how dear and inspirational some AAers have been to me.
November 27, 2014 @ 11:51 am
Wow, thank you, Blake. This is a nice gift for this day of thanks-giving.
All love,
Fred
January 30, 2015 @ 7:12 pm
I just read about this today and while initially was horrified and then, when I found out the facts, thought: “He should have been a rock star.” Led Zeppelin was known for debauchery with very young teenage girls and, as far as I know, have never been classified as sex offenders!
We all have feet of clay. At the end of the day, it’s what you do with the rest of it that counts. I am blessed to be a post-menopausal woman and, as such, lack the hormonal juices that would drive me to do this. Probably, you – and others for sure – have flogged yourself enough for this transgression.
January 30, 2015 @ 7:15 pm
Thank you for sharing, Becky. There has been plenty of flogging, both private and public, but for some it is never enough.
November 12, 2016 @ 11:18 am
Fred. I just got your latest on kindle. I have been at this game a long time, since 75 and TM….and on and on. In 93 a friend went to sit with Papaji and I began to investigate a bit. In 2000 I was introduced to a writer who got me almost there I feel. For some reason I have struggled. Been to India and have done most all of it. Although I guess I had heard of you it didn’t hit until yesterday.
Maybe this one can get me there. Just read your past history and I must say i have also had some past stuff etc..and I’m not sure it even matters except on a day to day level where I’m sure it plays out. I feel that if anything your having to face all shadows will only help me. I’ll read your book and maybe try to work with you……John Christian
November 12, 2016 @ 11:22 am
These character/units come as they are, don’t they? I wish you luck with Awaken Now. I worked with a guy last week who woke up from reading it – in a large way. It takes what it takes until it takes. Come to satsang. It’s relatively cheap, and is a great place to steep in Truth for two hours.
August 12, 2017 @ 3:45 pm
If it only takes everything, and since you already went first, thank you for breaking the ice for us, then we will give it all. The teaching is amazing, the insights and clarity/clearing come as fast as I can process them, but I can pause, fully ingest the new understanding and move forward when I am ready to tackle the next lie. The chance to myob is always presented and seldom taken, I confess my nosey parkerness here. Add that one to the list of things to notice and see through. Much gratitude and love, Megan
August 12, 2017 @ 4:43 pm
Thank you, Megan. This means a lot to me, especially here. ♥
January 9, 2018 @ 8:49 am
Totally didn’t see this one coming. That being said…
Awareness (albeit unconscious back then) always was. And always IS.
I am thankful for the teaching and for your presence. I had a knock-your-socks-off spiritual experience/awakening while watching one of your Youtube meditation videos. The teaching is direct and powerful. It has changed my life and I am forever grateful.
When I was 19 and very much unconscious awareness, I discouraged my then live-in boyfriend from having a relationship with his daughter. Purely for selfish reasons. I didn’t want to share him. For three years, he never saw or spoke to her because of me. He later died of a drug overdose. Can’t ever get those years back and now the guy is dead. I beat myself up for YEARS over this. But recently came to realize – I may never understand why these things happened the way they did. They just happened. Awareness always was and always IS.
Much love to you – my reflection 🙂
January 9, 2018 @ 9:16 am
Thank you, Lacy. I’m grateful for your understanding. Life unfolds as it does. We make amends where possible, and offer them in our hearts wherever they are not. ♥
July 7, 2018 @ 11:05 pm
Dear Fred, Just stumbled upon this. And upon your videos prior to this. Did spot one or two very negative comments while searching for those, which caused a minor reticence. And I noticed a certain craziness in your approach, and you mentioned a drunken past… But WOW you have something so special right there for all to see, it’s so beautiful and funny and I’m sure it’s going to dissolve this unit from the inside very soon. For what it’s worth, I think of how people in Thailand never mention the bit about how the Buddha walked out on his wife and son (almost unforgiveable in Thai culture). And I think of the great Milarepa and his murderous past. Would Jesus reject anyone for their past? While I think Awakeness has no problem here, I only hope you and your wife the very best. Beautiful post by the way.
On Pedophilia and Oneness - The Ostrich and the Elephant
April 27, 2019 @ 10:57 pm
[…] As part of the 12-step program in AA, one of the steps is that you need to connect with and apologise to all the people you have wronged in your life. Fred did this, and obviously one of these things was writing to his nieces to apologise for his actions. He offered to talk to them too, if they wanted to. Four years later, a couple of them did, and they recorded the conversation and gave it to the police. Despite this being some 30 years in the past, the state where Fred lived, South Carolina, had no statute of limitations for sexual offences, so he was brought before a judge and convicted of the crimes. The judge took into account his recovery from alcoholism and the good work he was doing being a guide for others to do the same, and sentenced him to weekend incarceration for a period of 90 days in jail, registration as a sex offender, and some other strict provisions for five years. Some may say this was too lenient, but I’ll let others be the judge of that. Fred wrote a blog post about this back in 2014 when it all came out, which can be found here, and it is an interesting insight into the nature of what happened. I recommend reading it: https://awakeningclaritynow.com/glass-houses/ […]
August 3, 2019 @ 6:24 pm
Fred, this post is a lifeline for me. I am going thru a reckoning right now for ugly acts I did toward someone 2 decades ago as an adolescent. I have buried it for years. The avoidance has poisoned me and gradually the guilt and buried anger/pain/sorrow/regret has alienated me from myself. I reached out to the person today to offer accountability and express my apology. It didn’t trigger the unburdening I had hoped for, it was an awkward conversation and the person says they don’t remember any harm from me. I am not sure if calling them was the right thing to do, but it took courage and I am glad I did it on some level. It was a vote against my ego, and a vote in favor of the person I wronged and in favor of the truth, come what may. Anyways, the honesty in this post is helpful for me right now.
August 3, 2019 @ 7:01 pm
I’m happy that the person you contacted did not experience the trauma that many others do. I’m also happy for you. It’s the willingness that counts. It’s all you can do and thus it has to be enough. These units simply do what they do, but we can’t use that as a cop-out for the unit’s responsibility in the relative world. However, remain clear that none of this had anything to do with You, Awakeness.
March 13, 2021 @ 1:25 pm
This is the first post I am reading from you and I want to thank you for it. 7 years has passed when you wrote this, but I bet things turned out pretty well. They always do when you surrender.
I have to work on that more, but this does give me a new path.
I’ll read this again and then I’ll check your videos!
March 13, 2021 @ 4:55 pm
I watched one of your video, from a random part of it. It was a video where you talk about the potential Parkinsons disease and it struck me. It was a complete answer for one of my current problem. Thank you again.
In turn I want to give you a movie recommendation, because there is a important message about timeless beauty: Yesterday.
You can find it on Netflix. Watched it today.