After the session, “I” walked out into the sun and drifted through the street playful and light; “rebirth” is the term that comes to mind. Many fantastic experiences that day for the body/mind. Just easy, timeless, free; surrounded and enveloped in the warm safe glow of presence. Ran through the golf course in the evening for the pure joy of running. It has been weeks now since the body ran and years (decades?) since it ran without an agenda. No arriving, no destination, nothing anywhere just running and the body’s love of movement. There is nothing and nobody here, anywhere…ahh that just feels nice to write that. Cartwheels. Spontaneous laughter, shirtless, dogs excitedly run to the unit, now petting, ahhh, sweet life. A thought occurs, “eating just happens; running just happens.” No distance, no abstraction, just this, here, now, clear.
Someone looking on says, bemused, “Well, look at this dog whisperer.” Everything is awake. No thinking happening, anxiety is minimal. This body/mind (“unit” in Fred’s language) has been ignored, abused, discounted for so long. Suffered such confusion and pain. It is finally sensing a moment to come back to life. Like a sweet child long frightened into hiding finally coming out to play.
It feels like the only task that remains is relative and is something like healing and learning to enjoy life. What feels supportive and right for this little Wesley unit. To discover what this body/mind actually enjoys/prefers. To stop the abuse of constant outward search and coercion into unpleasant doing. There is nothing to achieve, nowhere to go. Just be a good caretaker for experience. How simple really, how practical. A little bit of exercise, some food, a little money, right now a lot of therapy, a Fred or Gangaji video…
The following day the anxiety returns with a vengeance. Surprising thing that. Nightmare, horror-show anxiety. Totally disabling. And yet, blessedly, there is no problem. The anxiety is there and boy, is it ferocious. It just belongs to nobody. It is the physiological/psychological response to causes and conditions, to a lifetime of hurts lived in a 33-year old unit. Just like a plant grown in depleted soil conditions will bear the marks of its environment, so too this unit.
The mental health struggles–strong anxiety, intense frequent panic attacks, heavy depression, depersonalization/
The details of the experience are too much to write and to be honest, feel frightening and overwhelming even now to bring to mind, so I won’t do that. The recovery has been horrific. Just truly awful.
Yet I feel it is important to share this. I want people to know it doesn’t matter to awakening how broken the body/mind are. Or at least it didn’t here. If you are reading this and feel too compromised, broken-hearted, wretched, damaged, or lost to wake up, don’t believe it. Who you are is not compromised. Awakening is not tainted or damaged or broken. And the good news, the fantastic news, is that awakeness is who you are.
Another thing about this suffering, hellish as it has been, I never would have arrived here to this teaching and come home to this great unknown if not for it. Amazing grace. Fierce, amazing grace.
Waking up did not resolve the negative conditioning. I can report it is not eternal sunshine. It is nothing like the mind imagines. What is revealed is there is nobody here–no Wesley self. No self, no guilt or problem. Who could be guilty? Who could have a problem?
Ego is still intact. Wesley wakeness video on YouTube!! Oh boy, that is an ego feeding frenzy. “Now I have really achieved something.” “Let the teaching begin!” “How many views?” “Comments?” “Thumbs ups?” “How does this view count compare to others?” “How will I act in satsang to demonstrate this enlightenment? Better rehearse!” And, then, “Oh no, see, the ego still in tact. Must have lost the experience?? What if I can’t talk? What if I lost it? What if I say the wrong thing? Sense I am a phony? Oh, how dreadful…can’t let the others see that and disappoint Fred.” Ego/conditioning doesn’t die through awakening. Again, the difference is, who can that belong to?
I have always wanted to have a hit YouTube video. Did it have to come on the day of THAT haircut??? And, wow, that is one ugly cry! Ha ha, the old inner judge…lol.
Some sayings spontaneously register, “Before enlightenment (whatever that is!) chop wood, carry water. After, chop wood, carry water.” Nothing has changed. There is nothing special about this. And believe me, that is a huge relief. It means life can be lived with greater clarity, more energy, more intelligence. No more burden of apparent seeker lost in an unending search.