The “I” of the Storm by Julee Bergstrom
My ego desperately wants to be enlightened. I want to crow from the rooftops that I made it—I have arrived! I watch this need to be special, to reassure myself that all this searching has fulfilled my dreams of awakening: fame, adoration, a perfect life. But for the most part, I seem to have been hit in the face with a wet fish. My pride has come home to roost.
A few days ago, it hit me: What I had missed was that any reference to myself is stepping away from happiness. I knew this, of course; I had even journaled about it a fair amount. But the level of understanding continues to deepen. Personal thought is merely a momentary, ever-changing blip on the radar. My ceaseless efforts to use it to arrive at truth will always fail. There isn’t a single thought I can think that will take me home. I’m already here.
Although I had seen this on some level, thought was still my “go to” place that reassured me, “I’m working it out! This means I’m gaining clarity!” In fact, all that needed to happen was to run out of thought completely. Happiness is not resident in thought. Thought is a pseudo presence. It is maya, the movie on the screen. It can never be the screen itself, no matter how refined, abstract or elevated it may be. Truth, satisfaction, happiness—these emanate directly from the luminous screen, the radiance of the ground of being. They are the natural attributes of who you are.
But the thinker remains. This “Julee” character will always be here. She will be what she is. Awareness must bow to the character, again and again. Her level of emotional maturity will be what it is, until it is seen through. But I can be at peace with the thoughts that arise, recognizing that none of them is true. There is nowhere to go and no danger that could ever alter or muddy my inherent wholeness. I can rest in that security, regardless of whatever stories I am tempted to believe.
The years of constructing and reinforcing the belief system that I am a body in a world with a mind full of thought and feeling often obscures my actual experience. And then I try to think my way out of this box! No matter—let the mind continue to swirl. It will eventually settle. And all this while, I can be at peace. I can view it all from the center. I am the eye—and the “I”—of the storm.
Julee Bergstrom is enrolled in The Living Method Continuing Student Program. She lives in the UK.
June 5, 2017 @ 11:41 am
Love your post, Julee! There is an irony here that is captured by your statement “There isn’t a single thought I can think that will take me home. I’m already here.” Yes, you are already home! But what is interesting is that to acknowledge that you are already home requires a self-reflective thought “I’m already home!” Awareness can only come to recognize or know itself through the mind of this unit. Without it, there would be no thing left to recognize itself.
Recently, I have been struck by how one comes full circle after we realize our true nature (and have cleared up as well). As the Zen saying goes, “Where do you go after you reach the top of the mountain? Back down the mountain and into the marketplace.” After our seeking has ended, there is nothing left to do except live our lives. We end up right back where we started, except in a place of ‘knowing’ that allows us to live those lives fully.
Love,
Vince
June 5, 2017 @ 7:00 pm
Julee I bet your journal is a beautiful book in the making…loving this post. I liked what you said in Satsang, thoughts just appear, the only thing that looks dangerous is the next story that I believe.