Letter from the Field: “This can’t be an awakening, because…”

This letter is from a woman, a psychotherapist, that I had an Awakening Dialogue with earlier today, August 11. She had a great sense of humor and we laughed for 90 minutes–punctuated by her repeatedly covering her face with her hands in shock at several points, actively applauding me at several others, when she saw something especially well, and both of us have a big, funny, profound, joyful time of it.

Her initial awakening was about 35 years ago, and it was a deep, deep seeing; a place few people ever see. It can be terrifying, and it was for her. Nonetheless, “her ego”, as we would erroneously call it, appointed itself an “expert” in awakening, and just as it happened to me, it tried to deny its own experience. She couldn’t stop seeking.

After trying a number of paths after that event, she discovered nondual teachings a few years ago, and knew immediately, “This is my path.” One thing led to another until she discovered me, and after watching a few videos she knew, “This is my guy.”

She wrote me right after she booked our session to let me know that “something” had started to happen the moment she made the booking. This experience doesn’t happen to everyone, but it is not especially uncommon. And then today, a few hours prior to our session, she was taking a walk while listening to my podcasts. She so perfectly describes the reflexive denial that crops up for us that I’ll leave the rest to her.

Hi Fred,

I wanted to thank you again for a wonderful experience and to share with you the thoughts you had asked me to write down.

So while listening to your video Asking Yourself the Right Questions, I began to experience a much greater sense of presence then I had in the past. My ego was pretty much nonexistent for a few moments, but then immediately I noticed myself starting to question the experience, wondering if I was experiencing an awakening. As soon as I did that my ego really popped in and started saying things like this can’t be an awakening because I’m not seeing through the illusion of the physical plane, I’m not feeling like everything is one in the way I had imagined, and then a whole other list of reasons appeared on why this could not have been an awakening.

I realized that I had definite beliefs about what awakening should look and feel like. And even though I had heard you in this very lecture mention that we have these thoughts, I had never fully gotten the true significance of having these beliefs and how they could so quickly pull you out of your experience. Before the ego had popped in I was just being with what is, without thought, or a sense of identifying with my normal every day persona. During that time the question whether I was seeing the third dimension as an illusion was not even an issue, was not even a question to be considered. Everything just was as it was. As I observed these ego thoughts and was able to let them go, I was able to recognize presence again and just be with what was. It was so simple and ordinary that there was the tendency to minimize or even disregard what was happening. After a few moments of downplaying what had gone on,the Ego then piped up again and was quite impressed with itself regarding what I had possibly just achieved, whereupon on the inner critic part of my ego popped up to criticize myself for being so egotistical.

The cool thing though is that I was able to observe the goings-on of my ego and was able to let go of these thoughts and beliefs as soon as they came up which allowed me to retain The sense of true self throughout all these ego resistances.

Anyway I intend to continue paying attention to awareness, noticing the ego-resistances and beliefs that arise and to keep questioning who is the one having these thoughts, feelings and sensations.  As I said earlier i intend to stay in touch one way or the other, either through satsang or private sessions.

Much love and gratitude,

Sharon

By the way, Sharon came to a yet clearer seeing during the course of our session. If she tends to what she’s seen/been, the rest of us may end up benefiting from a clear, simple, and very enthusiastic vehicle of Awakeness that’s just now returning Home from the wilderness of the dream.

Fred