Clarity at Gunpoint: A Shocking Letter from the Field Plus Fred’s Commentary and More
This letter is from a student/friend of mine and American who lives in Mexico. We had several sessions together, including an Awakening Session, during which he woke up quite clearly. He was a long-time seeker who exhibited a lot of wakefulness even prior to that. He remained reasonably clear throughout our two Clarity Sessions.
David was “stabilish and clearish” enough that he was considering moving into the Teacher-to-Teacher program and I was not discouraging it. I knew that at the very least, it would accelerate clearing for him. And frankly, as I sometimes discover, he had the inexplicable feel of a teacher-to-be, in my opinion.
Typically, you can only get as much of this thing as you can stand at any one moment. A typical awakenings can land you in an asylum. I once heard Adyashanti say that two Buddhist monks he knew did an on-location survey of institutionalized mental patients in the US and discovered that about 15% of them were awakened but dysfunctional. We should be careful what we pray for. The awakening “event,” when there is one to report, is essentially instantaneous. But the clearing process that follows awakening is gradual, and it’s very, very difficult to accomplish on one’s own. I couldn’t do it.
David states that he vacillates between apathy and the fire to awaken, meaning he’s just exactly like most of the rest of us. The dream is both compelling and magnetic, and it pulled David back into the usual self-assessment of those already in post-awakening: “I haven’t woken up and I need to wake up!” or “I had it, I lost it, and I need to wake up again!” This is just another dream story, but it is almost always a believed dream story and the circular cycle of seeking begins all over again.
I know this for a fact because it happened to me – more than once. It happened until it didn’t and it didn’t stop happening until I finally got a teacher and regularly came face to face with Myself as clarity instead of confusion.
All love,
Fred
[David’s letter]
Dear Fred,
Thank you so much for the links to the CSP. This looks like a very good option for continuing to clear and I will definitely consider this.
Recently, my life has presented a lot of challenges and big changes. One was breaking up with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years.
The following week (this past Tuesday) I was held up at gunpoint by two robbers while with my son, who’s four years old. We were house sitting a very nice house (I think you saw a bit of it during a clearing session). The short of it is, they held us for more than 4 hours while they robbed the house and loaded my car and then forced us to get in.
They took us for about an hour through back roads, sometimes stopping in fields, shooting at benign targets, and finally letting us go about 30 minutes outside of town. My car was never to be seen again, but we were alive.
Needless to say, the event really shook me. It made me aware of just how little (zero) control “I” have. Life just arises. And for whatever reason (why not?), it happened. I remained as present and allowing as I could through the ordeal (as well as my son!)
And often repeated, “This is what’s happening” and “There’s only one thing going on.” These really helped immensely.
So, here I am. Awareness. Still here. My body and mind are still a bit shaken. There’s only one thing to do (not really a doing) and that is to let go of control and inquire who or what is it that is aware of this one moment.
I’ve been reading your book, The Book of Unknowing, and it’s been super interesting to read your story of awakening. This is the only thing I want in my life: to clear up and know that what I am is awakeness having this human journey (I am the relative and the Absolute). I don’t want to die on the steps of awakening.
It seems there has always been a struggle between apathy and the fire to awaken. I believe that this event has served as a wake-up call to fall back into the now; the only reality there is.
How can I stay true to the earnestness and not slip into the “trying hard to clear up” mode or apathy for that matter?
All the best,
David
[My Reply]
Hello, David! Betsy and I are floored by the recent experiences you and your son have undergone. Oh. My. God. I cannot even imagine. Bless you, bless you, bless you both.
I was forcibly raped at 17, so at least I know all too well about that recognition of personal powerlessness of which you speak. For whatever reason, beyond that night I never had much trouble dealing with it after the physical terror was gone. I wish the same for both of you.
Since awakening, I’ve come to see that event as what it was: part of the Totality. It couldn’t have not happened. It’s one more ugly gift I (as Fredness) received from the Universe (Myself) in order for awakening (as Awakeness) to take place through this apparent body. I can attest that This is bounty beyond measure and worth any price.
Regarding your present spiritual situation: You, my dear Awakeness, cannot die on the steps of awakening. You are Awakeness Itself, and you’ve already had a very clear awakening through the David unit in our very first session together. Yet for you, as it was for me, immediately after awakening, ego arose and claimed the awakening for its own. And then “Fred” lost “his” precious awakeness!
How ironic, huh? I don’t know about you, but right after I found out I was nothing, “Fred” thought he was really something! Lol
I can lead you to the brightness again, probably pretty quickly. Then we, whatever that is, have to “claim” our awakening so that seeking for what you already are can drop, and the process of clearing can begin. Many will awaken. Very few will clear. I’m micro-famous for the ability to wake people up, but 80% of my time – or more – is spent working with those in post-awakening. That’s where you are now.
CSP is a way – certainly not the only way – but a good way to make a commitment to clearing. You get to/have to meet with me for an hour every month. That alone is typically a game-changer. Not only do you receive clarity, but you also have fresh accountability. Then add weekly online meetings with other like-minded people and there is a consistent, cumulative effect. To be with others who know what you know, hear what you say and feel what you feel is huge.
In my experience, I’ve found that it’s nearly impossible for anyone to clear on their own. The dream, the story of a personal me, is both compelling and magnetic. There is great clarity, then once more the great confusion and on and on. I tried clearing on my own for three years. Finally, I threw in the towel (and the ego) and went and got myself a teacher. Now, as both Fredness and Conscious Awakeness, I find myself in this amazing chair. I have no regrets.
If you decide to pursue CSP, you’d be able to start in September. Simply send $200, I’ll confirm that, and then Betsy will contact you to help you set up your appointment.
My heart is truly with you as you necessarily come to accept Life on Life’s terms. May your son know himself to be as whole and new as he actually is.
All love,
Fred & Betsy
[David’s Reply to Me #1]
Dear Fred,
Thank you so much for your letter! Yes, please do upload my email (feel free to correct typos, grammar). If it can inspire many, I would feel grateful.
Will write more tomorrow. Been traveling all day with kids to Vancouver where we’ll be for 2 weeks. Long day indeed!
Blessings,
David
[David’s Reply #2]
Hello Fredness,
Thank you once again for your heartfelt letter. Yes, powerlessness is a very good way to describe how I felt and the fact that we must accept Life on Life’s terms (do it or suffer!) It happened and it couldn’t have not happened, just like everything in this moment. It was a nasty necessary gift that has served to jolt me back into spiritual earnestness.
I feel so close to knowing the truth which is an illusion I believe – because the Truth is always here (closer than close). It’s very frustrating to the David unit though because it feels like he’s not quite surrendering the seeking. Feels like a familiar push-pull going on. What I’m being diligent about is letting go of doing either and asking, “Who/what is it that wants to do the push-pull?” And then, “What is it that is aware of this?”
At any rate, I’m starting to recognize that it is tough to clear on my own and with just reading and video and spotty inquiry. I will consider seriously the CSP.
Thank you again,
Davidness
(My Reply #2)
David will never surrender. That’s not really a problem, however, because there’s no David. Awakeness surrenders to relativity: There is only What Is, As It Is.
August 11, 2019 @ 3:14 pm
Thank you, David and Fred.
David, your acceptance and clarity regarding this terrifying event is profound and inspiring. Thank God you and your son were physically unharmed.
<3 Kathleen
August 12, 2019 @ 2:43 am
Thank you for sharing David and Fred. A good reminder of who is in control here: NOBODY.
The inevitability of life, the “ugly” gifts and the “pretty” ones, is all at “gunpoint” for the character.
August 12, 2019 @ 4:43 pm
Very good observation, Robbin.?
August 12, 2019 @ 4:43 pm
?
August 12, 2019 @ 9:09 pm
Great stuff everyone, thank you. The “innocence” of Awakeness is quite time-trapped by I-Am-ness trying to manage something’s-wrong-here (because I Am has fallen/dreamt into being a someone). Because character-making can never attain/be that original innocence … while “trying” (and “not” trying)! It “is all at gunpoint for the character” lol! And even it, all it can do is mimic this to “make” itself – point fingers, or guns as a “bottom” for that, at others. Awakeness just goes, oh isn’t that a big space/time “pointing” circle of much ado about nothing (“back” to innocence!)
August 24, 2019 @ 10:45 pm
Dear Fred,
Thank so much for posting about my experience being held at gun point. Also, thanks to all those who commented as well.
Your observations are really bang on (no pun intended). Post-awakening has been such a wild ride: confusing, enlightening, depressing, peaceful, isolating and simple. I really understand now the importance of clearing and having support from a teacher/community. It’s like no one “out here” in society can relate to what’s going on in this. Granted, I don’t know what’s going on either, however, i do know that what needs to happen is some serious clearing so that a sense of stability and re-orientation to what is really REAL can happen.
I’ve been oscillating a lot from having moments of clarity —aware of being aware— to cloudiness —anxious / lost / separation. It’s like everything has intensified, nothing is certain and that’s just the way it is. I’m learning to accept this over and over again. Who is accepting this? No-thing is! The one-thing-that-going-on is!
I must say though, the moments of clarity are sure nice! It’s like I’m dog-paddling and struggling in waves of the ocean and then all of a sudden, just letting go and float. The sense of I-ness becomes apparent again. The ease and flow of life returns. And there really is no problem.
Today, I was in Mexico City with kids at a fair (with mechanical rides and such). I had been in resistance most of the morning and afternoon, identified with this depressed and anxious unit. At the fair, I was able to experience a release; a sort re-identification with awareness when we got on a miniature train ride while wearing virtual reality visors. It really hit me that what I am is not exclusively this body when i first placed the mask on and it was like my physical body disappeared and I was aware of a completely different arising. I could actually see the unreality and impermanence of it all. I immediately asked myself, “Now who or what is aware of this happening?” And just like that, the one true sense of I-am-ness became apparent again! Until I oscillate again to identifying with the body-mind again. I just accept that this will happen again and again and again. I’m ok with it though, because i trust that what I am (pure subjective awareness) can never not be!
Anyway, back to experiencing this long bus ride back home to San Miguel
De Allende
Love always, David
August 25, 2019 @ 3:18 am
This is great, David. It’s just what people need to hear. Awakening is not one-and-done. Enlightenment is right Now