CLARITY FROM THE FIELD: When Oneness Gets Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
Hi Fred,
I thought I’d write, just to break my isolation. I hope you and Betsy and critters had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I am so grateful to be awake and clearing up. I see awakening as a glimpse into God’s world, and then clearing up as the process of learning to spend more time in God’s world, and less time in the isolation cell of Kathleen.
I am driven right now to be as clear as possible. The alternative is just too painful. A woman I know from AA who started believing in God and angels after losing her 27-year-old daughter to drug overdose was criticized by her own mother for abandoning the family’s intellectual, rational beliefs. She responded to her mother, I have no choice. I HAVE to believe.
I feel that way about clearing up. I HAVE to be clear. The world of separation is just too painful. I love your non-languaging exercise. I notice how it effectively eradicates the future. For the past two years, thoughts of the future have been annihilating the present.
I trust Oneness has presented me with exactly what I need to achieve maximum clarity here and now. How could it do otherwise, if it loves itself? For so long I’ve only wanted to feel some level of control and security, and it has always eluded me. My latest attempt was to eat very little and weigh very little. That didn’t work.
The only thing that works is abiding in awareness. As we’ve mentioned, this is a lot like learning to be sober. In early sobriety/awakening, you resist the heightened perception. It can seem painful and overwhelming. You want to flee back into a drunken/deluded stupor. But the reason you got sober/woke up, is because drinking/delusion was no longer working. But we want to be back in the old state AND have it work. But those days are over. Idealizing them or yearning for them won’t change that. So we forge ahead with sobriety, and it turns out to be wonderful. And that is where I am now with awakening. I must resist the “relapse” of deluded thoughts, and forge ahead with clarity until this new orientation becomes natural and wonderful.
Thanks for reading, and for being there for me. I wish you and Betsy and the furry ones a pleasant weekend.
Love,
Kathleen
