Letter from the Field: Failing Upwardly

Hey Fred,

It’s funny how the worst things at a certain moment lead to the best of things in a later moment. When I emailed you a while back ago to ask you whether anti-depressants were a hindrance to awakening or not it was because I was starting to recognize that this unit was failing at the thing which the voice in its head thought to be its last hope. Its education. Of course, at the time I didn’t see it as a unit. I saw it as me.

I had failed at pretty much everything prior to starting my education. I had no relationships with women and wouldn’t set myself up to a situation where I might be rejected by one. I avoided most social circumstances since they triggered what I call social anxiety. I never had a career, since I had no education, I just took what I could get. What kept me going for many years was my interest in bodybuilding. I put everything into that. Which included needles in this unit’s ass for three years straight. That approach doesn’t follow the recommended protocol, but I just wasn’t about that. It was all in or nothing for me. I even told myself a story about how I didn’t care if it kills me, I don’t have anything else going for me.

I think our units might have that all-or-nothing attribute in common. It can be incredibly destructive, but applied to the right areas of life, it can also be a blessing.

I eventually had to give in to the fact that I had failed my education and now had to go back to my old life. The same old town, the same people asking about what I’ve been up to and I’d have to start looking for the same old jobs. I knew that life too well, and I just couldn’t stand the thought of going back into it again. I started to really fantasize about the idea of not being anymore. The thought didn’t scare me that much any longer and it felt more like not being would be liberation. But if I was really honest with myself I knew I didn’t want to die. I had a strong suspicion that I had found a blessing in this teaching and I didn’t want to just throw that away and I had seen enough to know it to be true. I just always had a story that said I was going to wake up in the future. Well future better be here soon, I hoped.

It was around this time I booked my awakening session with you, Fred. In my mind an awakening session with Fred Davis was the last stop on the seeking route. I mean if I didn’t wake up with the guy who wakes up 90% of his clients, then I might as well just give up. I could see that I wouldn’t have time nor energy to keep seeking much longer after such a meeting.

The awakening session itself didn’t satisfy Emilio. He still wanted the big thing. But the end of the session was the beginning of starting to accept that I was already home. Can it really be that simple?

Today I’m back in my old town again and to Emilio’s disappointment he’s unemployed sharing a small apartment with a flat mate. But that all-or-nothing attitude I mentioned earlier is now applied towards clearing instead. So although Emilio might be unemployed, awakeness is not. And it turns out being unemployed is the best job I’ve ever had.

Love,

Emilio