Letter from the Field: Fierce Grace

This This letter is from a client-friend of mine who first asked for an Awakening Session right about the time she found out she had breast cancer. That was just over two months ago. She woke up quite clearly in her Awakening Session, and she followed with Clarity Sessions. She’s a psychologist, and has a lot of context and innate wisdom, so Awakeness found a ready target.

Janeness and I had a session the day before her surgery, and another the day before she entered follow-up radiation treatment and chemotherapy. She was then, and remains now, completely open. Her illness has helped her to surrender to a yet deeper level. I am inspired by her courage and willingness, which is why I asked her if I could print this for all of you. She said yes.

Good job, Janeness. Carry on.

In love and joy,

Fredness

Dear Fredness,

I just read and enjoyed your most recent post, along with the Attention Practice—I’m very happy to be on your email list, and I’ve now watched many of your videos !!  I’ve been writing a letter to you in my head for the last couple weeks, but didn’t know how I would put some of it into words…so here goes…

First an update on the body.  I had the first chemo on 9/3, and for about a week, I felt achey and headachy and very tired.  But it wasn’t so bad.  Now I feel pretty much the way I did before !!  The next one is on 9/24.  I see Crosby, Stills, and Nash at Redrocks the night before, and that stands out more !!!

So in these weeks since we talked, several awakenings have occurred, usually after reading something in your books, or getting one of your short but powerful emails. watching you on You Tube,  or re-reading one of my many books—Rupert Spira is my favorite right now.  It’s fun to find which of my books support the new impulse toward clearing, after having read all of these books all these years looking for awakening.  The search has definitely shifted which is  great relief.

Jane is much less prominent than she used to be.  Tho she still sneaks up on me in my many moments of unconsciousness.  Having to cut off all my hair, i.e..  the buzz I now have in preparation for all of it falling out, is REALLY serving to disappear Jane even more, as I change from what I thought was an attractive woman, to just a FACE!!!  I’ve been told I look like a trendy French woman and also that I look like a dike !!  Rather than taking on a new identity as a trendy French dike, I’m just allowing the shock of losing my mask to allow Jane to further recede.  I am an open aliveness—that’s it !!

I have several experiences of awakeness which makes me wonder—and I want to share this with you in our next clarity session which I will schedule soon.  A few times, I’ve been almost as clear as our awakening session, where I see that I am That, and that I don’t have a clue what that is, and that my body within and without appear, along with the world, within this Whatever that I am.  But I found myself “working” for that as an experience, which was creating a lot of stress and discouragement.  I wanted to find the Awakeness that is simply here without trying so hard to get clearer, and realizing I had an image and a bunch of thought about what that was.  I’ve discovered that there is another direct experience available when I switch from thinking to being.  This happens easily when I simply allow myself to rest as awareness.  I don’t know anything, except there is a softening and a receiving of what is that is gentle and luscious and always available.  It is a Jane free moment when I Am and What Is Is—(this is very hard to put into words)  but the point is that I don’t really know anything about Oneness or separation of anything, nor do I care….Yet is this really awakening?????  Yes, it is Jane that is asking.

Also there are many times when my resolve to LIVE FULLY AS WHAT I REALLY AM is so strong that it catapults me into simple awake aliveness no matter what I’m doing or not, and I’m simply happy to be experiencing it all !!   Another kind of awakenness that is a little different than our session.  I also know nothing at these times, and the Jane I thought I was is irrelevant as this real expression comes forth!!  This is the strength that the gift of cancer has given, allowing me to even enjoy not having hair !!!   And my unhappy patterns often show right up, and either disappear as I see them, or not—and then I allow them as I shift to direct experience of them rather than thought.  Just as I’m determined not to allow these patterns to ruin my life, I’m also determined not to allow an image of awakeness to trigger a big comparison and a “should” of how to be….

So who knows.   My last chemo is 11/6 and I hope your next retreat is after that because I’M COMING !!!!   I’ll be in touch soon for our next round of clarity sessions…

Janeness