Simply at Ease by Mike Zerbel

Simply at Ease

by
Mike Zerbel

Mike Zerbel has been with me for quite a while, and is another member of the Continuing Students Program. Those students, who are part of a broader awakening community, will be writing here regularly. Mike lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. We had a Clarity Session this week and laughed until we cried. Thanks, Mike! And big thanks also to Awakening Clarity’s new editor, Kathleen Sutherland, who’s brilliant at helping people say what they want to say.

I just watched Fred’s recent video, If Not for This, about how there is always something preventing our awakening or happiness.  My version of this has been, “It’s too hard.”  If not for this (fill in the blank) being so hard, I’d be happy.  And along with this, I’d always consider, is it worth the effort, and is it even possible for me to overcome the perceived obstacle?

This applied to most of my life, so when I perceived the need for spiritual awakening, the perception of difficulty rose to new heights.  Certainly it was worth it.  And the possibility was testified by those who had gone before me.  But the difficulty was perceived as so great that Sisyphus remained at the bottom of the hill. 

That’s my war story, as they say in 12-step recovery rooms.  We elaborate to varying degrees, mostly as service to others still struggling, but also so we ourselves won’t forget our struggle.  Perhaps I’ll relate my story in more detail at some point, but for now, this mental wrangling with the effort and worth and possibility of achieving anything conveys the essence of my nightmare.  I was weary and had many forms of escape, because I so fervently believed in “hard.”  This perception of difficulty of course presumes the separate self, the need to change, that something is wrong, or not enough, etc.  “Hard” sums it all up.  

“It’s simple but not (initially) easy” is an AA adage.  I add “initially” to emphasize that the slogan refers to the transition into a sober life.  As another saying goes, “It gets easier.”  But certainly the initial steps toward sobriety (or any major change) are often hard.  To deny this would refute the Buddha’s first noble truth that (dualistic) life is suffering. 

But ultimately, we recognize that easy flows out of simple.  For me that happened with Step Two of the AA recovery program: “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  Belief itself was a higher power for me!  This also helped me to see why the concept of “hard” had so ruled my life.  It was the Zeus of my Gods. 

Now if this hadn’t been followed by discovering Fred’s book, Beyond Recovery, and my relationship with Fred and this community, these insights would have yet again circled back into the perception of difficulty, struggle, failure and depression.  But being that which is awake to the insights turns them into just another experience!  Even being awake to the subtle disappointment that “I” don’t get to be special because of the profundity of these new insights is also just experiencing.  And a real treasure is hearing my voice (as Fred) remind me that the downs are not “mine.”  The oscillations and doubts that cloud with a scowling face, not realizing they are clouds, and blaming other clouds for blocking the sun – none of that is mine!  And remembering that we are not nouns, but verbs, is also a treasure.  Even within the duality, I can consider, with a little investigation, that the seeming experience of me as a noun is just me “selfing.” 

I can still hear whispers of “What, selfing?!  That’s too hard to get behind.”  This comes especially from the world or others “out there,” which is really just me tempting myself to sleep again.  I recall the AA advice that you don’t go into bars pretending you’re ready when you’re not.  And so I choose to move more into the activities of this community where the truth of who I Am nourishes even the dreaming experience.   And beyond activity, I trust even more that to the degree I realize I need do nothing, the dreaming is experienced as happier and progressing.

It takes what it takes, and all that it takes is I Am Now!  One temptation that remains is the feeling that I must truly understand, perhaps even should have journaled, and must remember all my difficulties and insights.  Instead I choose more and more presence: the senses, breathing, I Am, affirming thoughts, etc.  I’ve noticed how easy and enjoyable spontaneous sharing has become.  Why would I want to spoil it by not being awake to the Mike-ing that still uses preparation/rehearsal/reviewing to control its image – an imagined image!

Here’s my latest tidbit for ease: I still wrestled with why I couldn’t look forward to what I “have” to do.  I even understood that concept of “having to” was part of that pattern of believing in “hard.”  Then I realized I don’t have to try not to have that happen.  I notice it (lightly), and then choose instead the story, “I’m going to like it.”  Now when I’m lying in bed and the thought arises, “Ugh, I gotta feed the fish soon,” I know that’s a story, and I happily tell myself instead, “I get to feed those beautiful fish.”

Fred introducing me to retirement from Mike-ing was my experience of crossing the bridge to simple and easy.  I could no longer hold onto hard.  Initially, I considered this my next step because I wasn’t ready to drop future-tripping altogether.  Mike was still trying to be in retirement.  But now being present is easier.  The key is to remember I am retired from all that trying!  Love is now.

Another concept that helps me is that What I Am has created anything I experience.  The dream of a dualistic reality depends upon the false premise that I can be affected by an outer reality, which, if accepted, engages the character, and gives rise to a perception of free will, attachment and suffering.  To let the dreaming be is to remember I have already chosen it.  

To be very present, especially to what I am feeling, and resisting the stories that obscure the feelings is to acknowledge how powerful I am.  I think of I Am as an interface that sees both reality and the dream.  As Fred often says, I have already approved of this!  How could I not have, as Oneness?  So my only choice is to recognize that I am not (only) the character.  Choice equals awareness.  And I am grateful for awareness, even when it includes those parts of duality judged undesirable.

Of course, this is all part of being willing to wake up to the story of “hard.”  Willingness is key. 

If I am not at ease, I’m actually playing at being God.  That is not a condemnation, because we learn to grow up and play as God.  Before that we’re just children pretending to be adults, as expressed by this acronym for CHILD (of God): Consciousness Hiding In the Light of Day.

Thanks for playing with me.  Tag, you’re It!