Take a Step Back by Adam Volny
Confession: I suck at spirituality. I have failed in my attempts to become a spiritual person. I cannot meditate properly. I haven’t read many books. I don’t feel like oneness most of the time; I feel separate and lonely quite often. I had been hoping that awakening would make me feel better – more peaceful, more often. But instead, I am more of a mess! I feel more regrets, anger and resentment.
And then I feel ashamed of this focus on myself. I shouldn’t be identifying with this body, with this mind and its problems; I know better than that. But I simply can no longer pretend that I am succeeding at this. I am failing at acquiring clarity and realization.
It even seems that my so-called clearing process is leading me away from what truly matters. All the managing and effort to get somewhere seems just an elaborate escape from the here and now. Focusing on a “deeper truth” means not focusing on the dysfunctional parts of my life. And just as with any other form of escape, ultimately it fails. The obsession with achieving enlightenment serves only to zap all the fun from living, suffocating the present moment.
If you, too, have reached this impasse, let’s return to something basic: Notice the feelings in your body. Is there an area or a sensation that you’re not willing to pay attention to? Pay attention to that spot. Is there resistance? Are you resisting just that spot or is there something deeper below? Is it possible you are actively denying something in yourself without realizing it at all? Is it possible you feel split apart because throughout your life you have buried parts of yourself in order to survive? Perhaps we all feel a little dead inside with suppressed feelings, emotions, expressions.
I know you’re oneness and none of this has to bother you, but does that reference point feel truly authentic, or is it something you hold onto in order to numb yourself a little more and disregard these orphaned parts of yourself? Know that it is okay to be this way. We are just so human, that is all; we are unable to be any other way.
Are you willing to let yourself feel the profound sadness in this endeavor? Do you see that attempts to avoid it through spiritual seeking are exactly what we’ve been doing our whole lives through various means? We are screwed – and there is nothing we can do about it. So let’s take a break from the madness right now. Let’s forget everything for a moment.
Feel. Breathe. Touch, smell, taste. Take another breath. Feel your feet on the floor, the air on your skin. Take another breath. Slow down. Stay with the words. Stop. Notice your innocence. It is right here, pure as ever, curious, loving. It never went anywhere, not for a single moment. You have always been the little kid. You have always wanted to live the real life; you never liked the facade. There was always this background yearning for a true expression. Notice it clearly and let it overtake you. Is it something to be ashamed of or is it something worth living for?
The little kid is the one who suffered all the blows, and the one we tried to bury. This child just wants to feel all those things it was not allowed to feel: the anger, resentment, hate, envy, injustice, shame, embarrassment, humiliation. It wants to feel the raw, unfiltered, untamed life, including the things we hate most about ourselves, the ones we avoid at all costs, the ones that hurt so much. Those are the things most worthy of our attention and love. Let’s stop chasing our fantasies of awakening and look life straight in the eye. Do you feel vulnerable, insecure? That is the point.
We must stop and reconsider what we are trying to do. Let’s be honest: Do our endeavors express life without borders or unconscious fears? Notice how much we fear not knowing who we are and what is going on right now. It’s okay. Allow yourself to take a step back instead of forward. Return to the simple and ordinary. Welcome all that you experience. See each visitor – feelings, people, events – as a friend and companion, lovingly sharing this space. Let’s mend our oldest wounds. Together we can end the saddest conflict of all: the one against ourselves.
Awakening does not work as a fantasy. It can only be what it is. It has never claimed or aimed to be anything other than this. And that is all it ever asks of us: to be exactly what and where we are, exactly in this moment. This we can do. Breathe. And be. Love is calling you, my friend. Don’t hesitate to answer.
Adam Volny is enrolled in The Living Method Continuing Student Program. He lives in the Czech Republic.
Beautiful, Adam. F
May 10, 2017 @ 11:02 am
Thanks, Adam. This reminds me of the saying, “What’s in the way, is the way.” We can’t use spirituality to avoid or escape our problems or painful feelings. But it does give us the courage to look right at them and accept them with love.
May 10, 2017 @ 6:21 pm
Thank you, Kathleen. 🙂
May 10, 2017 @ 1:17 pm
Adam,
I love your posts, dude. I’ve noticed that all the shame and self-judgment we feel inevitably carries over to our spiritual path. We tell ourselves we are inadequate and then we try transcend our inadequacy through spirituality. However, we just end up judging our own spiritual progress as inadequate. Just notice that we don’t actually really know where we are or where we should be on the path to clarity. Many times our greatest spiritual developments come out of our darkest times. For a significant portion of my life I felt inferior to all the other people I knew. I remember the day I woke up, I was thinking that I’ll probably never wake up and all those people who did were probably just special and possessed rare abilities. I woke up to the truth that I was no better or worse than anyone else. I didn’t deserve happiness more or less than anybody. However the brightness of this realization faded and all my fears and self-judgments returned. “I had enlightenment and I blew it!” You’re doing just fine, bud. It’s helpful to cultivate gratitude for our suffering. It’s better to see it than miss it. Everytime we notice we’re suffering, we’re presented with an opportunity to become alert, enquire, and become familiar with these feelings we’ve been unconsciously avoiding. Suffering is our true nature knocking on our front door. All we need to do is answer.
May 10, 2017 @ 2:02 pm
Splendid, Daniel! F
May 10, 2017 @ 6:18 pm
Daniel, I am glad you found it inspiring. It is interesting that the word “oneness” gets subconsciously translated in my mind into “something other than this”. Because the same patterns were carried over to the spirituality, it seems that there is a whole mental structure built around the philosophy. And spending a lot of time in this part of my mind makes me pretty miserable. And my mind is obsessed with those ideas. The only way is to leave all the teachings behind eventually.
I have spent a lot of time looking for a reason to believe that I should be more awake, whatever that means. It just seems that I am neither awake nor asleep in a sense that my condition never changed. Only the outlook seems to be shifting. Like there is more space for Adam and also his absence. But there is still this hidden hoping that the angels and trumpets will come. Enjoy your day, Dan.
May 11, 2017 @ 10:58 am
Hey Adam
I love your sense of humor, your willingness to expose everything……..and your AWAKENESS. You are a love and I love you.
May 12, 2017 @ 3:10 am
Thank you, Joyce! ❤️
May 11, 2017 @ 5:28 pm
Adam I especially loved this part “notice your innocence. It is right here, pure as ever, curious, loving. It never went anywhere, not for a single moment”. Thank you for sharing this with us, indeed we all have walked through those moments. Much love, Barb
May 12, 2017 @ 3:11 am
Thank you, Barbara!
May 14, 2017 @ 3:40 am
Hi Adam. Just caught up with this post. Awesomely sharp, clear and accepting. What gets carried over to our so-called spirituality is the original sin thought “there’s something wrong here, with me or the world or both.” For some reason the state of Adam and Eve after eating the apple appears in this location: “and they knew they were naked and felt shame.” So their innocence was suddenly a problem thanks to thinking and feeling separate.
I know all of the thoughts and feelings you name. We are One. Thanks for bringing this up so honestly and clear.
Love.
Robbin.
May 16, 2017 @ 3:16 am
Anyone who can share like this is a success to me (and, I had to counter your “suck” with the other side of the coin, success!). I won’t say I wish I could take away your suffering. But I can add that it has felt like you’ve added balm to my wounds when I hear you say some things, like it was meant for me too, or like I had a brother that I could understand. Your caring and inspiration and wisdom have lit me up. And I know there’s only one Experience, so some “time” our seeming disparate perspectives will merge and you will know my gratitude. And all the rest of us obviously, and the Whole of life, too – so know as best you can, at least as I say it right now, that all that Love is (with) you.
It’s good being one with you, Mike
May 17, 2017 @ 7:36 pm
I wouldn’t take it away either. Who am I to know what is worthy of experiencing? I have no clue how things should be going and whether I should succeed or fail in whose eyes. It really seems that no experience or perspective is above any other. No matter how much we wish it would. The oneness and the character perspective are perfectly leveled, equally valid. Adam never was an obstacle or a problem. No need to fix him, diminish him, mute him, belittle him or clear him out. Long enough have I spent trying to be someone else, feel something else, be somewhere else. Clarity doesn’t seem to be the point of this all either. I don’t know what is but chasing an idea in my head and proclaiming it as truth just doesn’t cut it. Thank you, Mike, for your heartfelt comment. I feel what you’re saying. 🙂