It Was Twenty Years Ago Today…
This is not much of a “nondual” post. It feels intimately personal, which is known here to be impossible, given that there’s nothing personal about This, and that there’s no person to even claim the feeling. Nonetheless, I will share it with you anyway.
Addiction is seeking. An addict is essentially a blind pattern intent on getting more, less, or other. It’s a hapless search for the improvement of conditions instead of an improved condition. I don’t believe these patterns ever die, but I know for a fact that they can take a hell of a long break.
The clock just passed midnight here in South Carolina. The date is March 30, 2020. The year 2020 is particularly symbolic because 20 years ago today I picked up a red “starter” chip from a 12-Step group and determined that 3.30.00 would make a fine start date for the recovery from alcoholism I so desperately needed. I must have been right.
Today I can report that this unit has not consumed a beer, cocktail, or glass of wine in 20 years. It seems impossible, but it’s not, which is why I’m writing this post.
I had burned my life to the ground. So far as I could tell, it was scorched earth from that Thursday evening all the way back to birth. I made no demands on the Universe, but I pleaded for enough mercy to get sober and never go back to living in the bushes of a city park, as I had been in the autumn of 1998. I remembered that core level, animal fear and that cold, cold emptiness.
I was half a step away from returning to that horror. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Welcome to the hell of addiction. I didn’t know I was really quitting drinking on the day I really quit drinking. I had no faith. I had tried so many times only to fail every time I tried. I had a body that could not drink successfully and I had a mind that said I could.
I was on the superhighway to death and there was no exit ramp. Until there was.
That evening as I rode my motorcycle back through the season’s chill air, I knew there was no way I could succeed. Nonetheless, I watched the body proceed to try. How do you quit drinking? Get really, really lucky. While I was waiting for this unit to hit the mercy lottery, I recall that this unit worked very hard to cooperate with any potential grace that showed up to help me.
Something clicked. I got sober 20 years ago today. I did not do it, but there was a willingness here to offer my full cooperation with the impossible that then somehow morphed into the inevitable. I won’t call it a miracle, because this whole thing is a dream, and there are no rules in this dream that could be bent or broken.
It happened. It happened to this unit, but it wasn’t the unit’s doing. Anything can happen to anyone, anywhere at any time that it does. It’s never too late to give up.
Six years further along I found there was another apparent “giving up” that needed to happen. I was forced to abandon the Fred story. Thank God. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, regardless of how it happened. I wish you luck and love and peace.
In love and gratitude,
Fred
March 30, 2020
The Beatles
Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play.
They’ve been going in and out of style,
But they’re guaranteed to raise the smile.
So may I introduce to you,
The act you’ve known for all these years:
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band!
We hope you will enjoy the show.
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Sit back and let the evening go.
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely,
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely,
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
It’s certainly a thrill.
You’re such a lovely audience,
We’d like to take you home with us,
But I thought you might like to know,
That the singer’s going to sing a song,
And he wants you all to sing along.
So let me introduce to you,
The one and only Billy Shears,
And Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Yeah, dress down.
I feel it, I feel it, I feel it.
Oh baby now, I feel it, I feel it, I feel it.
Baby, free now.
Gotta be free now, gotta be free now, gotta be free.
Don’t like that.
I think it’ll probably be another day singing it.
Yeah, so just edit that then, it’s nice.
Yeah, and what you can do with the bits where you can’t get it ’cause you haven’t got enough breath?
Just take over, yeah.
Source: LyricFind
March 30, 2020 @ 11:02 am
CONGRATULATIONS, Fred!
Getting sober leads to a type of spiritual awakening, and usually is a prerequisite for a full nondual realization. So this is indeed relevant and awesome. So glad you survived and thrived to become what you are, to reach this perfect moment.
Love,
K
March 30, 2020 @ 11:06 am
Thank you, love! From that dark place, a river of gratitude was born.♥f
March 30, 2020 @ 9:14 pm
Happy Birthday, Fred!!
March 30, 2020 @ 11:28 pm
Thank you, Fran! It’s good to hear from you. Take care and be well.
March 30, 2020 @ 11:11 pm
Thank you for sharing.
It’s been 2 and half years on this side, and convinced it was no ones doing. In the past all there was, was a feeling of “fedupness” which had been there for a long time. Which made me stop a few times only to fall back off the wagon after some time. See, being fed up of feeling sad for weeks on end after drowning my thoughts and emotions for three hours before passing out apparently wasn’t enough to keep me from hurting this mind and body. It wasn’t until I “woke up” that this feeling arose accompanied by the realization that resorting to something temporary to find relief from what was believed to be an unbearable experience was unnecessary and inefficient. A shift happened which felt like a decision to “face the music”. Again, not anyone’s doing. Ironically it was just good fortune for “someone” who thought his whole life that the chips never fell on his side.
I obviously don’t know what the future holds but I do know that right now I rather be here and experience this moment as it is. With its challenges, shortcomings and pleasantries.
Always love to hear from you Fred,
Thanks again for sharing. It hit the spot.
Rishi Das
March 30, 2020 @ 11:28 pm
Great stuff, Rishi! Thank you!
March 31, 2020 @ 11:11 am
What a gift to have a pretend friend like Fred Davis—he doesn’t exist but I really enjoy his company!! Go figure??
March 31, 2020 @ 11:14 am
Thanks, Steve! I feel the same way. ?
April 1, 2020 @ 4:03 am
Happy alleviation of inebriation day! Thanks for sharing your sobriety – and beyond …
April 1, 2020 @ 12:03 pm
Thanks Mike! This is a lucky unit, I can tell you that!
April 2, 2020 @ 10:55 pm
I just like you, Fredness. I just like you Beingness. and I’m always inspired by your life story that you didn’t live. Thankyou for being personal. I’m lucky to have you in my life, however infrequently….
April 3, 2020 @ 12:51 am
Oh my goodness, it’s JANE! I like you too!! I hope you are well and happy. Life here is ridiculously sublime.
April 3, 2020 @ 5:08 am
Great story Fred :). It´s like you said in a video: the 12 steps is a kind of enlightnment :). So there was 2 awakenings, one for the unit and some years later another awakening: Awakeness awoke throught the unit, beyond the unit 😉 eheheh
Much love,
Pedro
April 3, 2020 @ 10:43 am
Keep up the good work, Pedro!