I’ve won the lottery! and I’m cashing in by writing this love letter to you and me. I know I have won the Truth actually, because I still notice the appeal of the lottery to the unit while while simultaneously knowing the vanity of it. I would be excited by the money, though it would only be through purchasing, which would mean nothing until I used want I purchased, and then I would have to do more of that because I would know I don’t quite have enough yet. Whereas with you I can be in love right now!
I just felt a resolution a couple days ago to an old story of a failed family of my childhood. I realized that the warmth I experienced until I was 12 I identified as being caused by those wonderful people and experiences. When they dissipated I lost what I had displaced onto them. And then of course the long hard unconscious road of something must be wrong with life or me, and the hell of all those illusive lotteries. Now I revalue the wonderful family I had because I know it was me I was feeling! They lovingly gave me a context for it, but somewhere somehow Life went the way of loss so it didn’t stay lost even in a good context. You have given me an upgraded context where I feel those long ago feelings again. It is so amazing to discover you sharing in my heart what had been such a different, and now distant, time place culture. Without us even sharing bodily proximity!
I am letting love write this letter because for the first time miraculousness makes some sense (to the unit). I even see the story of Jesus now as like a unit like Fred walking around back then. And he and his disciples were attracted to each other in just as common place a way as we all have been – and just as miraculously! Now I’m no longer mad or weirded out by the whole Christian imposition! The One thing going on “back then” is just going on right now! I get glimmers of your excitement for your teaching! and why Jesus (and many more) generate the impact that they do. Yet Love is letting me accept that that grand scale is the same as getting to be me here now expressing to you that I love you. I may still need a “you” to help me conceptualize getting these words out (not to mention the whole teacher/student relationship I’ve had with you). But I’ve experienced so much sense married with warmth from you, that it can’t be a bad crutch for the time being!
I couldn’t even express my thoughts very well before you. Not to say it’s at the drop of a hat now, but I feel a lot of relief that I can communicate with others enough instead of feeling like I”m in (or even am!) the dark clouds. I still have a lot of “can’t – ing conditioning, but look at me now!, I’m writing this letter (look Ma! no can’ts!). I wanted to write it right away after our last class (why wait) but went through some process anyway. Yet I live now with the reassurance that echoes from you that we do what we do until we don’t, and that time IS required (ergo process!). I am in a place where I’m not in the Escher-like (exc)use of this principle (eg so I’ll just get high. Using that sense of the principle was very long and painful, until I didn’t as much). You have shared of your life so lovely, that your testimony to this principle I feel like I can also count on it.
Thank You/Me so much for so much! If Your unit over there ever wants anything from your unit over here, i(t) would do it. How’s that for the power of conviction (plug for today’s post)?! And what’s more – that I can offer a letter, or know I can be with my sense of being, or “do” nothing because I AM – is a conviction of Grace because this unit never convicted its way anywhere. Thank you for sharing your Amazing Grace with me!
Give my thanks as well to Betsy, Jack, Wille, and the Cat in the Back. They have given to me as well that sense of family I have been blessed with again.
Now I’ll sit for a minute and share our sense of Being – and maybe beyond!
In Harmony, Mike/Fred
PS love is given to any use you may find in passing on any or all of the words above.