Letter from the Field: Agony and Ecstasy in North Carolina

I woke up to find this email in my inbox on Saturday, along with the one printed above. Many of us are out there suffering from addictions, pain, loneliness, and a thousand other things. It’s good to know that there can be bright spots in the tunnel, and maybe even a light at the end that isn’t a train. You know that I have done my share of suffering. I send love and blessings to every single one of you. Fred

Fred, I don’t know where to begin. Wait, yes I do. The truth. I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been in deep denial for years. I’ve been hiding from myself for a long long time. Our stories are ASTOUNDINGLY similar. So much so, that when I discovered you last week, just your voice sort of… woke me up!?

I’ve been a seeker since the age of 14. I’m now 40. Like you, I’ve filled my every waking moment with teachers voices so as not to hear my own. (Tolle especially!) About two weeks ago I had a very frightening and beautiful experience that shook loose all my crap. It was just like a millisecond of looking behind myself or something. Just a quick glimpse. It was terrifying and it was also crushingly free. I thought I was dying! Ever since then my life has been a disaster. Too much to explain.

Yet yesterday I had THE WEIRDEST day! Yesterday something woke up in me that I cannot explain. This whole thing is too much for e-mail. Let me paraphrase…sorry so lengthy.

I am friends with Trey Carland over in Asheville. I realize now that you know Trey. You somehow made your way to me, I didn’t find you. You found me. Really. The story is too much to type but trust me, you came and found me and grabbed my ear. It was a miracle to hear you. In hearing your voice on youtube and Batgap.com, Fred your voice, your energy, your wholeness (or something) just snapped me out of a dream or something.

Somehow you’ve given me permission to tell the truth about myself and my ugly, painful path and somehow just by telling the truth, Fred, I woke up in the middle of the night about 48 hours ago a completely reborn person. I know this sounds ridiculous but I’m absolutely telling the truth. I’m an expert at convincing myself of the most amazing total bullshit so when I say “truth”, I know so well what that’s not, that I am finally able to look at what truth is. I’m doing a poor job in explaining.

I’ve bought your book this morning and now am eagerly waiting on it to arrive. In lieu of what happened in my experience two weeks ago, I’d thought to reach out to someone to “wake me up” as I do feel I’m very close and just a little push would do it. Yet now I’m glad I didn’t write to you for a session. I dont know if I’m ready or what I’m ready for. It’s not up to me.

What I can say is that I’m finally ready for the truth and that’s been decades in the making. So I’m here now to wallow in my truth and love the body to sober recovery. This is my focus. Loving my family in an honest way with a sober consciousness. Somehow I’ve managed to wake from the nightmare before losing my astounding, conscious, superhuman wife and my beautiful perfect kids. I am the luckiest man alive.

You are a part of my deep gratitude, Fred, for your honesty. You will never know how powerful your honesty has been for me. I believe something of you has made its way to me and radically changed my whole life without ever having met. I know it sounds fantastic, but I write all this just to say Thank You, Fred. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You for sharing your story with me and the rest of us. I may contact you one day for a session but first, it’s time to love my body enough to allow it to heal from my abusive, nutty, lies. Time now to forgive myself and come to rest in that.

I’ll be seeking support to remain Sober from the community. If you have any suggestions to this end, what a blessing this could be. I look forward to your book. I look forward to the unfolding of it all. I look forward to living my life again. I don’t know how it goes from here, but it couldn’t be harder than it already has been for a long time. I just can’t explain how weird all this is.

I can’t believe how arrogant I’ve been for so so long. I’ve been ready to become some non-dual guru and like “the world doesn’t even know how special I am” and this whole bit and the whole time, I’m drinking constantly. Thinking about Chögyam Trungpa being drunk and enlightened like he is some kind of role model or something. Oh god I’ve been so foolish. Even using my pursuit of spirituality or enlightenment as an excuse to keep drinking somehow. My god once we see how we’ve been it just looks like absolute insanity.

In any case, sorry for the lengthy e-mail. I’m just excited to reach out to you. I’m just really deeply grateful to you for your example. I’ll remain a student. Thank you Fred.

Michael, North Carolina