[Student Writings] One Year After Awakening: The Play of Light and Shadow
One Year After Awakening
The Play of Light and Shadow
The Play of Light and Shadow
By
Kathleen S.
I experienced awakening about a year ago through Fred’s guidance and teaching. But though the end of seeking was profound and wonderful, it was just the beginning of exploring and learning to abide in this new world of expanded consciousness. I have often found this to be challenging, at times even more so than the pre-awakened state.
As for many of us, suffering propelled my search for awakening. I was faced with chronic health problems and pain, and was often overwhelmed with despair for the future, even to the point of wishing for an early demise. Awakening brought the relief of seeing that I am not merely this body or limited life. Anxiety and fear diminished. I could focus on the day, be grateful for what was good, and trust that each moment’s arising was manifest by Me, as loving guidance to ever greater clarity and wisdom. Even my resistance to my perceived fate was part of the luminosity. Strength flowed through me, my pain and uncertain future seemed insignificant and at times even a blessing, an epic part of the adventures of Oneness. Vasanas, the Advaita term for habitual thought patterns and emotional reactions that continue to flow even after awakening, could be observed without undue engagement, for I knew the truth of who I was.
But then the clouds rolled back in. The vasanas insidiously recolonized the unit. Perhaps the peace I’d experienced had been a “spiritual bypass,” an attempt to deny a dismal and frightening reality. Now I was grounded again. The awakening experience had been profound, but had it really changed anything? Perhaps I could enjoy “my” awakening under better circumstances. But as it was, I still had to deal with chronic pain and an uncertain future. Moments of inspiration aside, I couldn’t realistically be expected to abide in that exalted state.
And so I’d feel awakening had been a disappointment, the more so as it had been my last card to play. Prior to awakening, I could dream of future enlightenment and its promises. But now I had awakened, and as the sages say, this is it. Here I am, no escape. Even thoughts of a possible early demise were of no comfort, as awakening had revealed that there was no body and nobody to die. My issues would follow me, incarnate or not. And so Oneness again experienced itself contracted into a dense black hole, with me at the center.
The memory and much of the insight of the awakening experience remained, but seemed an abstraction. Still, I held onto that. Even a glimmer of truth is powerful. Fred has advised us not to believe thoughts. So I would trust that my dismal outlook might not be accurate, no matter how compelling it seemed. I continued with my practices: prayer, meditation, reading, journaling, attending to daily life with presence. This offered stability and some comfort in the darkness. Eventually, when the suffering got bad enough, or just played itself out for the time being, wisdom and clarity would flow again.
One might suppose that going through such unpleasant re-identification once or twice would be enough to attain the objectivity and wisdom to avoid it. But over this past year, I’ve cycled through it continually, with either state, clear or cloudy, lasting from hours to weeks. But each moment teaches, and abiding in the light is slowly becoming more second nature. Daily concerns and worries are shifting to the background, as the reality of what I am moves into the foreground.
For me, this process takes continual surrender, a willingness to look at any moment’s arising and ask, what can be done with this state of consciousness? Each moment presents a fork in the road. I can choose to be awake, and practice discerning what is true by questioning thoughts and feelings. Or I can be pulled back into the dream with all its angst. Awareness is often the more difficult choice. Effort is required to counteract the inertia of old vasanas. But each time I choose truth, I create a better moment. And these moments coalesce, attracting a brighter future.
This moment, this here and now, is the portal, and the only portal, to the infinite. As Fred advised in his latest post regarding suffering, “Use it!” Emotions contain great energy, which can be channeled into truth, awakening, awareness, wisdom and love. Although results often take time to manifest, I’ve found that no effort in this direction is ever wasted.
I will likely continue to experience dark times. But I also trust that they will become less frequent, intense and lasting. Awakening revealed to me that the light is always here. Reality by its nature is crystal clear. It cannot hide. My failure to see it at times stems from a lack of looking, accepting, or comprehending, or failing to doubt or question non-truths. As I hone these skills, vasanas begin to dissipate, becoming ever more ethereal, allowing truth to shine through. I look forward to a future of greater clarity, which intriguingly, can only be created and experienced in the Here and Now.
Kathleen is an attorney in Iowa
April 10, 2016 @ 6:51 am
Fabulous post! Thank you so much for sharing this with such grace, courage and honesty.
It captures the frustration of knowing that SOMETHING was seen at some point in the past, but it might as well not have happened, given how thoroughly whatever-it-was is now buried.
And yet, there remains no other question but how to relate to the next arising, from the perspective of Oneness or from the obviously fictitious separate self.
Is THAT what awakening is – knowing viscerally that this one question is the most critical?
April 10, 2016 @ 12:16 pm
Thanks, Keiichi. I’m so glad my experience is helpful!
April 10, 2016 @ 10:14 am
Thank you so much for this clear and comforting (yes vasanas to boot!) account of the clearing process. It resonates a lot here.
The term “the adventures of Oneness” is a beauty. It conjures up the feeling of witnessing a dramatic movie.
April 10, 2016 @ 12:19 pm
You’re welcome, Robbin. It always helps me to keep in mind that each arising is an adventure; there are no misadventures!
April 14, 2016 @ 6:06 am
Thank you very much, Kathleen. This unit is very much not awake and the falling away of egoic consciousness has barely begun (if even at all). However, I found helpfulness and kindness in your post. Especially your short comment on what emotions can be used for, as well as the innate loving guidance of reality, was empowering.
Have a wonderful day! ~
April 16, 2016 @ 6:30 pm
Thank you Kathleen. The very same things arise in my experience. There is a knowing that I’m here in this physical body, as oneness, to experience all the contrasts these arisings offer. The dark times aren’t as deep and seem to fall away faster.